Been awhile

It's been quite a while since I last blogged. Life always seems to get in the way.

What's keeping me busy?
-I am running 5 miles 5-6 times a week. A bit longer than I'm used to and it takes more time.
-Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. Endless cleaning of my once spotless house
-My dear husband who occupies my evenings :-)
-My dear son who occupies my days
-Friends in town and parties to attend

It's a busy life!

Then there are the major life decisions to ponder. I had planned to enroll in a pre-requsite course for nursing this semester, but that didn't end up working out. I so wanted to but most schools have a deadline on how long ago you can have taken your prereqs and I'm not sure that taking classes now would be in my best interest long term. After all, I plan to SAH (stay at home) with my kids for a long time. Plus it's busy season in a week with Jeff working 60-80 hours a week. I didn't want to add to his load either. So really the timing of it all is off.

Then there is the ever present decison of when to add to our lovely little family. Right now is the time we if want our kids 2 years apart. For a long time I wanted them closer to 3, but as I think about it now I can't remember the reasons why. I feel that a 2-2.5 year window could be pretty great. I don't want Judah to grow up alone. Am I scared? Yes. Am I ready? Hopefully. Only time will tell and the bottomline is that no matter when we add to our family it's going to be difficult.

There is also the added issue of whether I truly have fertility problems or not. Having that in the back of my mind always increases pressure to try sooner rather than later. Even if I never get pregnant again I will be very happy that I have my son. Either way we want to adopt, it's just a matter of when to start that process.

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So as I was cleaning my bathroom today, a chore I detest, I started thinking about women in America. We are very strange creatures. Wanting everything, constantly stretching ourselves too thin, wanting to be taken care of yet afraid of what that means, desiring to be "pretty" yet confused as to what that would look like. We are messed up people.

I am thankful for my life. I am glad that I have a husband who can and wants to provide for our family. He empowers me as a woman and is a Godly husband and follower of Christ. He chips in around the house, changes diapers, give me massages, runs because I like to, changes the oil in our cars and is pretty much amazing in everyway. I LOVE being taken care of. I LOVE knowing that he is never going to leave me and that I am his perfect idea of a woman no matter what.

I enjoy staying at home with my son. Yes there is part of me that wants a career but I want to wait on that. I'm only going to be young once and I would rather dedicate these years to a family I love than pursuing a job. I have the rest of my life to work and only these precious moments to be with Judah. I"m so thankful that I CAN SAH with him and any future children we have.

I guess I just have a hard time understanding why we as women feel we need to do and be everything. The idea of a man acting like a man is somehow offensive to us. God forbid that a man should WANT to take care of you, treat you like a queen, adore you, etc. Our society constantly emasculates men as we seek "equality" for women but I wonder if that's not going to bite us in the ass in the future. What's wrong with being different? What's wrong with being empowered in our own unique ways? Men and women are different. You can't get around it. Trying to elminiate gender is creating an unnatural state for this world and terrible unnecessary pressure on women.

Perhaps I'm venting for my fellow moms who also work their butts off. Being a SAHM is not easy by any means,. and yet how much more for the working moms who not only have to cook, clean, and take care of kids but also spend 8 hours at a job. All that plus the guilt that goes with it. Having grown up with a single mom I have nothing but respect for the women who have no choice but to do that. But I wonder about the ones that choose to in order to maintain a certain "lifestyle." Adding unnecessary pressure and stress to their lives all so they can have a nice car and be up to their noses in debt.

I guess it's about priorities. For me, I'd rather have the smaller house, older cars and hand-me-down furniture. Having those things means I get to see my son grow up every single day. I get to be the one nurturing him. We still get to take nice vacations and have fun too. Sure I have to clean the damn bathrooms, but it's worth it to me. How many times have we been confronted with the question of "how can you afford to stay-at-home?" the answer is simple: priorities.

The things that makes life worth living are not "things" at all. At least, not to me.

I feel free in my role as a SAHM, I just hope every women gets the opportunity to feel that way in whatever path she chooses. Better a humble life that you love than a hard life that makes you miserable.

Uh-oh!

K

So I know I was going to write about women's right issues but that is going to have to wait. I don't have the engery to tonight.

But....

I have a cofession. Thanks to my well meaning and wonderful friend J, I am officially a Twilight addict.

:-0

I know! I know! I SWORE I wouldn't read that silly vampire series, I mean really??? A vampire romance novel? I know I was a Buffy fan back in the 6th grade but I didn't really plan to relive that.

But I gave it a shot and Oh.My.Goodness! I LOVED it! Yes, the plot is a bit silly but it was really fun and interesting to read. :-) I can't wait to get the second in the series, and I could curse her for only giving the the first book! That's just MEAN lol!

So there world. Now you have it. Cyrena is a Twilight fan :-P

Oh and I believe I bruised my sternum. It hurts like hell. I think my little guy slammed his head into it during a tantrum. It hurts to do anyting :-( Hence why I spent the day reading instead of running, playing with my hubby and baby, grocery shopping, whatever. This blows! I REALLY hope it stops hurting soon.

Night night

Global Impact

I am passionately green. I know that is taboo is some circles, but being a tree loving hippie is not a bad thing. It's not earth worship to protect the planet that God has given us, it's good stewardship.

I have been reading about deforeststation in this week's edition of The Economist www.economist.com/node/17062713 . It is heart wrenching to me. I think that having a global perspective is essential to being an actualized human being. Caring about the well being of others, the planet and our future is something we should all do.

This article got me to thinking about the little things we can all do to make a BIG difference. If we could learn to let go of some of our luxuries in life and live simply the world would be a much better place. Giving up meat for example makes a HUGE impact on everyone and everything.

Consider, if we stopped eating cows what a difference it would make! Cows need to grow to a large size in order to be slaughtered and made into edible meats for profit. To grow they need food, namely corn in the US. Though not at all their natural diet, cows are fed corn now. In order to have enough corn to feed said cows, acre upon acre of land is used for agriculture. Land that could other wise be in a natural state such as a forest or wetland. These cows give off methane, a powerful green house gas that leads to global warming (sorry folks but to say global warming is a myth is equivalent to saying water doesn't quench thirst). Raising a cow not only involves the land the animal occupies but the land that all of its food comes from, the water the animal drinks and the water the crops need to grow, fertilizers for the crops, pesticides, the antibiotics injected into the animal to make it suitable for consumption after living in it's own feces, etc. Making a cow into meat involves so called "farms" transporting the animal to a slaughter house (carbon emissions), where they are inhumanely butchered, processed and packaged for sale, all of which pollutes the environment. All for our precious beef which is in fact toxic to our health anyway.

Contrast that with eating a natural vegetarian diet. Or better yet an organic vegetarian diet. No pesticides, unnatural fertilizers, methane, fewer carbon emissions, and natural whole foods in their original state. I'd rather have that!

Reading about the devastation deforestation is causing reminds me of this. One seemingly small and distant thing that impacts millions, everyday life and every person on the planet.

It's a terrible battle between our growing population, need for food, need for jobs, and maintaining a planet that is slowly dying because of our negligence. For hundreds of years we have devastated this planet and it's only going to get worse if we don't wake up and make some changes.

I for one want to be able to tell my grandchildren that I did everything I could to help them have a beautiful home. If you need inspiration I highly suggest getting a copy of the dvd series, Planet Earth. It's extraordinary and will change how you see our planet.

My hubby and I are also passionate about kids. Did you know that for slightly over $1 a day you can feed, clothe, educated, shelter and provide for spiritual teaching to a child? It's amazing. If Americans gave up their daily coffee they could support 3 kids a month for the same money. If we gave up our cable tv 4 more kids would not starve to death or die of preventable illnesses. Our silly conveniences that take away our resources that could be put to better use. If you feel convicted in this I encourage you to check out World Vision. They are a wonderful ministry helping kids all over the world. Please take the time to think about it. The selfishness of mankind will no doubt we our downfall.

Next on the topics to come: women's rights

Yes, I am a tree hugger, hippie, cloth diapering mama, women's right activist, member of PETA, avid feminist and most importantly lover of Jesus. It really does all go together, I promise :-)

I am no accident

Hi! My name is Cyrena. You may not know me, but I'm kind of a big deal.

Today is the Day of Atonement and you know something? I'm going to observe it a bit differently this year. Last night was spent lamenting my sins and seeking forgiveness, coupled with a deep awareness of how far I still need to go. Today will be spent giving thanks and praise to God that I AM forgiven and forever written into the book of Life. Praise Yeshua! I have a thankful heart this morning.

I don't want what I have today to be short lasting. I want it to be life changing.

I'm Cyrena and I'm kind of a big deal. I was no accident! My life was divinely planned and I was born for this exact time in history. Everything in my life thus far has been preparing me and leading me to this very season of life. I am so deeply and passionately loved by the creator of the universe that my entire being and life experiences have all been his drawing me near. To Him, I'm a very big deal. I am the daughter of a good Father, the King in fact.

Quote of the day: "He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." -Jim Elliot

Want what you have

The key to happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.

Or so they say.

I'm working on it.

I am such an ill content person these days. It seems that nothing is ever good enough lately. Sure, it doesn't help that my son is teething like a bear and driving us both bonkers, we have all been sick and a number of other things, but still.

I have been given a lot of blessings and I need to acknowledge them.

Especially in this season.

This is the season of the fall festivals in the Bible. During this time we celebrate Yom Teruah (the day of blowing trumpets), Yom Kippur (the day of atonement) and Sukkot (the feast of booths). Each of these has so much meaning and depth to them that I could not possibly write enough about them. I could not attempt to explain them in fair detail here. Let it suffice to say this: during Yom Teruah we spend the day blowing trumpets as the Hebrews did in the past. The sound of the shofar was to awaken the people to battle that was coming and basically say, "it's time, get ready." During Yom Teruah we blow shofars (ram's horn) today for a similar meaning on this time it is an awakening to Yom Kippur be around the corner. In essence we are saying, "wake up! The day of atonement is on it's way! Be prepared and repent you sins, God is coming to bring judgment for the year to come and to atone for your sins."

The days in between the two are called the days of awe. These 10 days we repent of our sins, ask for forgiveness and turn back to God. It is a time of preparation. Yom Kippur is the most solemn day in the Hebrew calendar. On this day, we fast and lament our sins before God. We acknowledge our wretchedness and total dependence on Him. In Messianic circles we also give thanks to Jesus who has once and for all time saved us from our sins. It is an important day and it is believed that it is the one day of the year that God decides our next year of life: whether it will be filled with blessing or curses.

Following Yom Kippur we have Sukkot, my favorite of them all. It is a time where families build sukkahs (basically a temporary building in the back yard designed for eating in with an open roof to see the stars) and enjoy hospitality. We celebrate that God dwells with us. We celebrate a great harvest with food. In Messianic circles we celebrate the birth of Christ as well (perfect to do in a holiday about God dwelling with us). Sukkot lasts for 8 days and in those days we are commanded biblically to rejoice. It's a wonderful time.

Now that is a VERY abbreviated description of the fall holy days but it gives you the gist. This is an important season for self reflection, gratitude, and repentance. In my own reflections I have discovered that this year my greatest sin seems to be a mixture of arrogance, selfishness and lack of thanksgiving. I have not been wanting what I have and therefore I have been unhappy. Ironically as much as I already dislike the toddler phase, I have been very much acting like a toddler this year. Whining when i don't get what I want, getting angry when I don't understand something, frustrated by the fences in my life that keep me from wandering into danger, etc.

May God forgive me for not acknowledging my blessings! I really need to refocus and look at my life through heaven's eyes. I have been given so much. Though this year has very much been a season of valleys for me I am hoping and praying for better days to come. Valleys are seasons of preparation and training. I hope that I have gained enough to move forward. I so want to spend the next year rejoicing with God and my family. Wanting what I have and being content in every situation.

May you and yours be inscribed in the book of Life!

Feeling accomplished, scared, and thankful

It's the little things in life that make all the difference.

Today I visited my mom who has been having a stressful season.
Caught up with a dear friend I haven't talked to in ages.
Cleaned out my car and stroller!
Went on a run.

Not a whole lot to most people but to me it made all the difference in my little world. Doing just one small thing for myself everyday is a tremendous gift and makes all the difference in my sanity.

Today I have been pondering the fact that my dear son is now a toddler. It is inevitable that he will start pressing boundaries at every opportunity and I will have to start being more than just the loving doting mother. This is where real parenting beings.

Like any other feat in my life I have decided to start this season with massive amounts of research. I have checked out somewhere around 4 books from my library as a start. I want to give my kid the best I can and I realize that parenting "by the book" rarely works, but hey a little help can't hurt either! On a side note- I love libraries! It's like going to a bookstore where everything is free. Makes my little heart happy and I plan to renew my love of literature with a passion in the weeks to come.

I'm a bit scared of raising a toddler. Even with all my experience in childcare it's daunting. I mean, this is MY kid. If I screw him up, that's on me. It's an entirely different animal to create and establish your own set of discipline, potty training, sharing strategies, etc. than to simply enforce what another parent has already set their mind to. It's overwhelming and I honestly feel like I'm not going to do a great job :-( I hope I'm wrong.

Every bit of motherhood has pushed me to my limits and made me a stronger better person for it, I have no doubt this season will be much of the same.

On a happy note I will now continue to the entire reason I stated blogging tonight. I need to give massive praise to God!

All my life I have struggled with asthma. For as long as I can remember my inhaler has been my constant companion. I could never go anywhere without it for risk and fear that I would not be able to breathe. Anyone who has ever felt that way knows how frightening that feeling is. It's horrific and I would not wish it on anyone.

Randomly a couple weeks ago I went for a run. Usually I take my inhaler preventatively knowing that I will need it. Well, that day I forgot to. After I ran 4 miles in 40 minutes I realized that I didn't use it, and I COULD STILL BREATHE! It was shocking.

The next day I thought why not try it again? So I skipped my meds and went for it and again, I was fine! For the rest of the week I went for daily runs and did not need it once. I could BREATHE!

I have not done anything to change my dependence on my inhaler. I eat the same things I used to, I still have the same allergies, etc. So there is no major explanation for this miracle. I could say that I've: 1.) outgrown my asthma, 2.) Got in such amazing shape that my body healed itself, 3.) recovered due to my natural cleaning products and use of lavender essential oil at night or 4.) God healed me.

Of all those options I have to say that the most plausible to me is that God has given me a miraculous gift and healed my lungs. I CAN BREATHE! I know that Jesus loves me because I can breathe :-) It's incredible. Glory to the LORD on high! Thank you for restoring my body to its original design. Thank You for breaking my dependency on drugs. Thank You for this incredible gift!

Ok world, I'm off to bed. I have a sick kiddo that will need me bright and early tomorrow morning. Praying that he, my hubby and I are all well!

Ciao bebe

Toddler

My son is officially a toddler. Jeff called him a toddler yesterday so that makes it official. I can't think of him as anything but my baby but if my hubby can then it must be so.

Toddlers are very funny people. Jabbering constantly though no one really understands what they are saying. Walking everywhere and no where in particular. Terrorizing every innocent home we should happen to be visiting. Pointing at everything. Asserting that everything they see is in fact theirs and always has been. And yet still very baby like in their need to be held, cared for, kissed after owies, ets. I love my growing boy. Each day with him is a whole new adventure.

On his list of words, J can now say consistently:
mama
dada
nana (banana)
dog
cat
meow
baby
ball

Beats the crap out of the 1-3 words 1 year old are supposed to know! My little genius :-)

My toddler has recently decided that diaper changes lack dignity and he does not want to participate willingly in them any more. The typical change goes something like this:
Me: Ok time to change your nappies
Judah shakes his head no
I lay him on the changing table
Judah screams, arches his back and attempts to roll off
I calmly roll him over and say, "It's just a diaper change it's ok."
I get the dirty cloth diaper off just in time for my now half naked son to roll over and stand up on the changing table.
So I grab him and put him the the crib where he is delighted to be naked and free
I take care of the diaper and get a new one ready.
I lay him down and he flips over. This happens about 3-4 times before I actually get the diaper on him.
Then I get him out of the crib and let him walk around him room while I attempt to get his shorts back on before he has time to take the clean diaper off again.

Good times.

Another toddler change is his suddenly very strong opinion on everything. He has taken to tasting everything we put him front of him by either licking it first or putting it in this mouth only to spit it out. Or he will refuse to eat his meals but 10 minutes later walks over to the high chair and eats the discarded food off the chair and surrounding floor (don't worry there's a tarp under him). If we hand him the wrong toy he lets us know by snorting in anger. If he wants to be carried, not pushed in the stroller he throws a fit. Just a few examples. I know it is a season of asserting independence and testing boundaries so consistency is now my best friend.

Life as I knew it is now in constantly metamorphosis. No day will ever be boring again! Especially if Jeff gets his way and we end up with another little one in the next year or so.

Todays adventure: Taste of Colorado in downtown Denver. We'll see how that one goes...

Friendship

Something I have been pondering a lot lately is the nature of friendship. I feel like one can fight and fight to keep relationships alive and so often they die off. Why is that?

I have been blessed with a few friends in my life I would consider forever people. The kind where you have such an intimate and open connection that it doesn't matter how much time passes between you, it's easy to pick up right where you left off. I have maybe a handful of those people in my life and for them I am eternally thankful.

Yet the rest... it feels like a losing battle much of the time.

It makes me sad. I know it's a natural progression in life. That you meet new people, we change, we grow and life goes on. I KNOW that. It doesn't make it any less difficult. It doesn't make it any less lonely.

From the outside I seem to have a lot of support and great people in my life. That is only partly true. I have hundreds of acquaintances and very very few friends. There are a great deal of people that have touched my life in one way or another, or that I share a commonality with, or that I happen to know someone they know, but true friendship is hard to find and even more difficult to keep. Life can be pretty lonely.

To me friendship is a lot like that country song:
"You find out who your friends are
Sombody who's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast
Never stop and think "what's in it for me?" or "it's way too far"
They just show on up with their big ol' heart
You find out who your friends are"

This has been a difficult and challenging year. I have grown a lot as a person and perhaps I have just "changed" too much for some people (parenthood will do that). Sadly there have been VERY few people who have cared enough to stay part of my life, let alone just called to check in. I won't lie, it hurts.

When I had my son people swarmed us. When he had colic and reflux most folks vanished.
When we stopped going to our church because it was too difficult with the baby no one noticed, and if they did they didn't call. We could have been on the brink of divorce and no one would have cared enough to just "check in."
When I posted things about being severely depressed, only two people made sure to check in on me.

The list could go on.

I know friendship is reciprocal. I honestly try my best to make connections. Ask those who make and effort for me and they will agree. I'm just tired of being forgotten unless it's convenient. I'm hurt that so few people try. I have made an honest effort, there's not much else I can do but sit by and watch old friendships die. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just not worthwhile.


Ok. No more sad thinking. On to better things in life. . .

Happy Birthday Judah!

Exactly one year ago today my son was born.

To say he changed my life is the understatement of the century.

He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

This has been the best and most challenging year of my life. I've grown so much and learned a lot about myself. When I think about this year in it's totality I can feel the tears well in my eyes. I'm overwhelmed in every way a person can be.

I love my son so much. He is amazing!

Happy first birthday my beautiful baby boy! You have brought us more joy, excitement and love than we could ever have imagined! You are God's greatest gift to your parents and we love you more than words could ever say. Grow strong son, seek God, and always remember that we named you Praise, beloved. Happy birthday Judah :-)

Crunchy, granola, hippie- whatever I'll outlive you all!

What if I told you that you were doing something everyday that is going to kill you. What if I could promise that you can do something very small to save your life. Would you do it? Sadly most people won't.

It boggles my mind how absolutely ignorant people are. It never ceases to amaze me. I get called names like "crunchy" "granola" "hippie" pretty frequently because I make lifestyle choices that are not only good for the planet but are health and will in fact make me live longer and better.

Our culture of fast and convenient is killing us. Not only the toll that stress is placing on our bodies but the products that we choose to indulge in daily. We are surrounded by death and passively sit by doing nothing as it steals out very lives away.

The funny thing is that I live much better than most people and yet I am probably more efficient than most too. There are very simple things you can do that will drastically change your life for the better. Not only for your health, the planet but for your wallet too.

Cleaning for example. I can clean my entire house using only naturally occurring substances. Vinegar, baking soda, water and on occasion tea tree essential oil. Distilled vinegar is a powerful cleaning agent and extremely effective at killing bacteria. Tea tree oil is a natural anti viral anti bacterial agent as well. Instead of polluting my home, body and the world with Clorox and other nasty chemicals I get my entire home sparkling clean with vinegar. The smell? I add a bit of lemon juice to my mixture and viola it's gone.

Since switching to natural cleaners my asthma has almost disappeared. I'm not having major allergenic episodes. Vacuuming doesn't bother me any more. And better yet I don't have to worry about my kid coming into contact with toxic substances and could poison him and do cause cancer.

A simple change that has saved us a lot of money and me my health.

Cloth diapers. EWWW! That's so gross!! At least that's what I'm told. Ummm you think that's nasty? Have you ever seen the mountain of diaper you create by using disposables that will never degrade. That's what is truly disgusting.

Cloth diapering has saved us an estimated cost of close to $2000 this year alone. My son has NEVER had diaper rash. I can rest well knowing that though he spends 24 hours a day in a diaper 7 days a week he is not being exposed to harsh chemicals and carcinogens. Yes, disposables diapers have TOXIC chemicals in that that no child should be exposed to. You know something else? It's easy. I wash diapers maybe twice a week. When it's poopy I rinse it in the toilet with my sprayer and flush. Done and done. Our diapers are air dried and sanitized in our high efficiency washer. It's fantastic and great for my son. But still people can't get over the convenience of disposables or the ick factor.

Here's another way to look at it: is cancer convenient? Obviously not. Yet the things we choose to expose ourselves to are leading us down a preventable path toward illness and death. Choosing convenience now means suffering later.

The products that we constantly put on our bodies are full of toxic chemicals that are KNOWN to be killers. We rub these nasty things on our skin where they are directly absorbed into our blood. We do this because we are told they will make us "pretty" "younger" "sexy." This is insanity. I got many disapproving grunts from friends and families when I announced that my son will not be doused in harmful chemicals. The damage done to my body is done but I will not allow it to continue into the next generation because they are convenient and smell good. Want proof? Visit : www.cosmeticsdatabase.com and look up your products for yourself. Prepare to be horrified.

It's the same thing with food. Choosing to eat organic and vegetarian may seem inconvenient (it's not) and expensive (only slightly more) but in the end I am much healthier because of it. I am not putting GMOs in my body. I am saying no to hormone injected, corn fed, meat. I refuse to eat an animal that spent it's life unable to move and never saw light. I refuse to eat something that was coated in feces. Yet millions of Americans knowingly choose to. It's disgusting. The price I pay upfront for healthy whole foods will be more than worth it when I have far fewer doctor bills as I age.

What's worse is the machismo that goes with. "A real man eats meat." What a load of horse shit! A real man takes care of his body and his family. A real man is manly enough to not care what others think. Not 50 years ago meat was served on Sundays for one meal now we eat it 3 times a day everyday. That is NOT healthy.

Wake up people! We are killing ourselves for convenience. We are sitting back while our lives are being stolen from us. Living simply is not foolish. It is not something to be mocked. It is life saving. We don't need more drugs to save us, we need to go back to basics.

I have a feeling this will be the first of my many "green" rants :-)

Family Expansion

My little baby boy will be one year old in 3 weeks. I cannot believe how fast this year has gone. I've learned so much and grown tremendously. I've been stretched to my limits and found I can stretch even farther. Everyday I my heart grows bigger in size. I fill maxed out on love but every morning there's more in me. Being a mommy has taught me more in one year than all my years of education, marriage and life combined. I'm so amazed by my son.

Lately I've been pondering the future again. It seems life has finally calmed down, or rather I've gained enough balance now, enough to think beyond today. Specifically about family expansion. It seems soon but realistically it takes 10 months to bake a baby and probably several before it to even conceive so I'm not a head of the game at all in thinking of it now. I don't feel as though I'm rushing into anything either (note: we are NOT trying yet).

Jeff and I both want more children. We want a fairly large family. We both love kids and the fulfillment they bring to our lives. We know many families with 4+ kids and admire then tremendously. They have so much love and joy. And even if they don't always have the material things in life, they are happy and delightful. It's such a blessing to see. For us, we would like to adopt and potentially foster kids as well as having our own. To us life is not about having stuff, it's about making a difference and living for Christ.

In the more selfish aspects of it, I would like to be done bearing kids before I'm 30. I would also like to go to nursing school eventually, though that is off the table for the time being.

The tricky part of all this is figuring out the "ideal" age gap between kids. I've heard 2 years is great, most experts say 3 years is better, most families think that what ever age gap they have is the best one. The reasons are usually anecdotal: i.e. my sis and I are 18 months apart and are super close or my brother and I are 18 months apart and hate each other... so I can't put much stock in any of it.

And even as I write this I have to laugh at myself. "Ideal" and "plans" are very funny concepts to a God-fearing woman. Ultimately it comes down to the Father's will and discerning it. I'm just not confident on something this big as I have a lot of reasons to be fearful about the outcomes.

The biggest issue we have is Jeff's busy season at work. Realistically if I want any support and help from my husband I cannot have a kid from January-mid April. He works insane hours and I would be mostly alone with a toddler and newborn. Well, that's not entirely true. I'm sure I'd have support from the people who love me, it's still a thought in my mind though.

Then there's the issue of the gap as I said before. My mom tells me that 19 months apart was brutal and to steer clear (as have most moms I've talked to) but what about 21 months apart? Or 26? Do those 5 months make a big difference? How much so? And how would I know since Judah is an individual after all. Oy vey!

Summer time pregnancy also sucked big time. I would love to avoid it if at all possible the next time around. I would love a April/May or September/October baby but the window of opportunity for that is slim and it seems silly to have preferences like that anyway. Regardless of when it does happen I would be thrilled. But this goes back to the gap issue again (21 month old Judah vs 26 month old Judah, hmmmm).

To a lesser extent there is my recurring loneliness that pops up. I love being a mommy more than anything but being the only mommy in my immediate peer group is tough and lonely at times. I have great mommy friends, but none of my super close friends are near that point yet. I don't want to base my life on other people but honestly it's difficult not to. I would love a friend to take our kids to the park with. I would love someone to talk to about all my baby stuff that wouldn't glaze over after 5 minutes. I LOVE my single/engaged/married friends soo much and most of you are great about being supportive, I'm thankful for that. It would just be nice to have someone fully in the boat too. A nice thought but again, I'm not going to stop living my life so ya'll can catch up ;-)

Bottom line is I need to quit analyzing everything and trust that God will show us when. Jeff is already itching for another baby (he LOVES being a father), so really it's me that is hesitant. Sigh. We shall see. Maybe the Lord will be gracious to me and just give me an "oops" baby. I love surprises...

Note to my BFF: Your wedding date is also a factor my dear. Like I've said I don't want to be a whale in your pictures or in labor on your day. It's too important to risk missing. Love ya! No pressure though. I'm sure it will all work out :-)

Forgiveness

I'm not perfect. I have never pretended to be. I've never hidden myself or tried to be anything I'm not. I wear my life on my sleeve.

Some people though are bothered by me and my perceived "holier than thou" attitude. Apparently my own personal search for righteousness is somehow an affront to them. It's as though being confronted with Christ in me breeds anger and animosity at my presence. I've never tried to pretend to be better than anyone, I know I'm not.

The only good within me comes from Christ who resides in me. He has taken this worthless, pathetic person and made me new. I thank God for His amazing grace because I would truly be nothing without it.

But Christians are hypocritical. You know something? Every person on the planet is to some degree. No one can live up to their own standards let alone God's standards all the time. We live in a fallen world consumed by sin and even Christians who have accepted God's free and amazing gift of grace mess up sometimes. The only difference between us is that I know I can fall on my face before my Savior and be forgiven time and time again.

Jesus in a parable to his disciples explained that we are to forgive people who offend or hurt us 70X7 times. This is not a literal number but instead a large number to show that as many times as we are hurt we are to forgive. This is a big task. Then he goes on to say that the measure to which we forgive others shall be forgiven us. A scary thought for those of us who struggle with forgiveness. I want to be fully forgiven and yet have difficulty giving that to others.

I'm only 24 years old and the majority of my life I have been abused by one or more people who are supposed to love me. For years I have suffered neglect, cruel words, and even raw hatred from these people, one in particular. It is just in the last couple years that I finally came to realize that what I suffered was in fact abuse. Though it rarely got physical, I was torn apart on the inside.

I am a walking broken person. Most people would never guess it. I seem pretty put together from the outside. I have a nice home, beautiful family, education, travelled the world, etc. And yet for as long as I can remember I have hated myself. I have hated the way I look, act, talk, sing. I hated myself for being smart and for being dumb. I hated myself for just being me, because I was told for years that I have no value and I believed it.

But hatred of oneself is a sin. How can I hate what God has declared good? How can I hate what He has redeemed? How can I hate His very bride? I am a daughter of a good Father. I am seated in heavenly places before the throne of God. I have value because He created it in me. Yet the voices of death persist in my head; at least until recently.

Forgiveness is no easy task. How can one even begin to forgive someone who hurt you so badly? How can you keep forgiving them when they continue to hurt you? How can you forgive them when they start hurting the ones you love? Where does forgiveness begin when your heart is ice cold toward that person? I am desperate for an answer to this.

I can rationalize all day long. I can say "I forgive you", but my heart speaks otherwise. I don't know how to let it go. I don't know how to forgive over and over and not continue to be hurt over and over. How can you forgive and be reconciled to someone who hates you without cause?

Dear God, I so need an answer to this. I know I must do it, because that is exactly what my heavenly Father does. I constantly mess up. I constantly neglect Him, spit abusive words when I don't get my way, throw tantrums like a child, etc. I constantly fall short and yet He continually forgives me. Please Jesus teach me how to love like you do. Teach me how to love those who are exactly like me. And Please Lord, take away the pain, hurt and anger.

Thank You God, for your grace. Thank you that you are teaching me even now. Help me Jesus to forgive fully over and over.

Excited!

I am so excited I can barely contain myself!

Just found out that another set of our close friends is expecting a baby!! We are so totally thrilled for them :-)

So that means next year so far I have three pregnant friends, and 4 engaged couples getting married! It's going to be an exciting and busy year. Obviously an expensive one too, but for well deserving reasons.

This is such an amazing fun season of life. So full of hope, promise and the unknown. It's incredible to see my friends fall in love and starting families. I have been a little a head of the pack in regard to marriage and babies and it seems that people are finally catching up. I'm thrilled for them and happy myself knowing that my own journey won't be so lonely any more.

I have the esteemed honor of being my best friend's matron of honor! I have no words to describe how I feel about that. It's amazing to know that I have a friend who considers me that important in her life (the feeling is mutual of course!). I feel so blessed. God has truly given me an incredible friend and I am so thankful for her every single day! Plus her fiance happens to be a great friend too so that's just the bees knees people!

To me, marriage and family are the most important things in life. Having someone to share and acknowledge your everyday is amazing. Jeff is the greatest gift God has ever given me (aside from salvation alone). I love being married! I love the comfort, security, joy, surprises, everything about it! And kids, well they just add to it. It's amazing to see a little person running around that looks just like us. I find myself in awe of my son. I constantly look at him and think: I made that?? God gave him to ME? wow!! There is nothing in life as sweet as family.

So I am thrilled that many of my friends are on their way to starting their own little families. I can't wait to see their cups overflow with the same joy that I get to experience everyday :-)

Revisited

I have decided to revist this whole blogging thing. I stopped for a while because I felt that I had nothing positive so say or contribute to the world. I'm a firm believer that what you put into the world comes back to you and I grew weary of my own attitude.

So here I am again.

I am currently recovering from a terrible sinus infection that has moved in my lungs. I have asthma and let me tell you, it's not fun to have a lung infection on top of it. I am thankful that I've had my husband, Jeff, home to take care of our baby. I cannot help but admire all the amazing moms I know that get this sick and still manage to take care of themselves in addition to a sick baby. I have yet to need to do this (thank God) and I honestly don't know how I would. I suppose that God would give me the strength I needed to get through it but it would be pretty miserable all the same. Thankfully Jeff took a sick day for me last Thursday and had Friday-the 25th off for vacation. It's not the best way to spend one's hard earned time off but I'm so glad that it worked out that way. So far the baby has managed to not get sick even though I still nurse him 5 times a day and put him to sleep 3 times.

It's hard to believe that my little boy is almost one year old. Only about another month to go and my baby will officially be a toddler. This year has gone by so quickly and honestly it makes me want to cry looking back on it. I feel as though it was such a whirlwind that I didn't take it all in as much as I would have wanted to. My induction into motherhood has not been easy but it has been extremely rewarding. There is nothing like it. Nothing like seeing your child grow and learn and knowing that you are the one making it all happen. As he becomes less dependent on me and more self reliant I feel both joy and sadness. I love my son so very much, he amazes me everyday.

This year has been a season of rapid growth for both of us. I find that I have changed as much as he has. In my on going effort to become a better "me" I've learned a lot and hopefully grown a lot too. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. My son made me better.

I'm learning some basic principles about walking in the Light recently. It seems that in order to grow Yahweh always needs to bring me back to foundations. The theme of my life has become "cease striving." I am learning to accept that there is nothing I can do to change my position before Him. I am a daughter of a good Father, seated in heavenly places before the throne. Nothing I do, whether good or bad, can ever elevate that status or remove it from me.

Becoming a parent has altered my walk with the Lord in that sense too. I never understood how an all powerful all knowing God would want me, love me and desire nothing but my heart. How can He who knows my in most thoughts and actions still be jealous over me? Then I had Judah. I know that nothing he will ever do will change my love for him. I am passionately zealous for my son. Someone hurts him and mama bear will bring out the claws. He does something good and I am overwhelmed with joy, celebrating with him. When he hurts, I physically hurt. When he doesn't understnad something I tenderly soothe him and he knows it will be ok. It is a fierce love, that of a mother for her child. I would die for him. I would give anything for him.

And that is exactly how Yahweh feels about me. It is the most incredible revelation I have ever ascertained. I've known it for many years and yet it still leaves me falling on my knees before my God and King. Some revelations take on a while new depth and meaning when life circumstances change.


LORD, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.

You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.

You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,"
Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day
Darkness and light are alike to You.

For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand
When I awake, I am still with You.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.