I feel fat and self-love

The thing I hate about having babies is the post-partum body. I can tolerate sleep deprivation, crying, poopy diapers, looking haggard, etc. but I loathe the way my body looks right now.

With both pregnancies I gained more weight that I should have. I admit it. The first time I didn't really care and just packed on the pounds. This recent one though I genuinely tried to eat well and be active. I ran 3 miles 4-6times a week until I was 30 weeks along. I ate reasonably healthy and yet managed to pack on 37 pounds. "They" say the average woman should gain 25-30 so I'm not that much above recommendations but still.

At this point I am down about 20lbs; 8 of which were my baby. So that means another 17 to go... ugh. I'm not supposed to really exercise for another 4 weeks beyond walking. I'm trying to not over eat, but even that is difficult with breastfeeding. In theory I should be able to lose while nursing but I'm also paranoid about doing anything to hurt my supply with such a tiny baby. So no dieting, no exercise.

No clothes that fit. I hate maternity jeans. My shirts are all too small to accommodate my extra large boobs (milk adds about 2.5 cup sizes), my pants are too tight. Blech.

I hate it. HATE it. I've spent too many years feeling self-conscious thanks to those nasty people growing up who told me I was fat and ugly all the time. To this day I have very little grace for myself when it comes to how my body looks and feels. I had a baby 2.5 weeks ago and the evil voices are already raking me across the coals.

I have been reading a wonderful book called Blue Like Jazz. It's fabulous. I've really enjoyed it. One of the major points I have taken away from it was from the chapter on self love. The author applied the scripture "love your neighbor as you love yourself" in an entirely new way for me. Rather than focusing on how we treat others he applied it to how we treat ourselves. Would you say the things you tell yourself to your neighbor or friend? I can honestly say I never would.

I would never call my neighbor fat. I would never expect my neighbor to have a perfect body, especially after giving birth. I would never tell my neighbor their hair looks ridiculous and makes their face look fat. I'd never tell my neighbor they look awful or nickname my neighbor Ms. Jiggles.

In this case I certainly love my neighbor more than I love myself. Really though, is it possible to love others and hate yourself? How can we give love if we cannot receive it?

The bible says that God makes beautiful things out of dust, He makes everything glorious, that He makes everything new. So what does that make me? According to my incredible Father I am precious, beautiful with infinite value. I am worth dying for. If God views me this way, who am I to question the one who made the heavens and the earth? The only opinion that matters is His.

So fat and all I am going to try to embrace myself and my body. This, like everything, is temporary. I got a beautiful baby boy out of it all. He is totally worth every mile I will have to run to get back to "normal." He makes me feel beautiful.

Back to blogging

After a break from blogging I think I'm going to give this thing a go again. I'll write more as a journal so that if no one ever reads it I have not wasted my time. It will serve as proof that I really do exist.

Life with two babies is going great. We are on week two and so far every prayer has been answered. Luke is a delightful little baby. He nurses like a champ, sleeps fairly well, barely cries and is just gorgeous. Judah is doing wonderful as a big brother. Though acting out a bit more than usual, he adores his baby and is mostly his sweet smart funny self.

I am doing awesome! So far no sign of depression, however, Jeff has been off work for the past two weeks to and has been a tremendous help to me. I'm worried about how I will handle it all come Wednesday, my first day alone with the babies. I'm confident that in a short time things will work out, I just need to take it all one day at a time. Please God give me strength, patience and joy.

I have been reading a lot recently and feeling very convicted. In two separate and very different books I have been challenged with the need to live for Jesus more actively in my life. What good is my faith if it is entire self absorbed and self serving. I want to be someone who lives for my Savior. Who ministers to the poor, takes care of windows and orphans, feeds the hungry, clothes the needy. This need is desperate in my heart. I have felt it for many years and always have the same problem.

It's the action steps that are a problem. I know what I want to do but lack the resources and knowledge to do it. I so wish I would have used what I had at CCU. They had ministries to every type of person you can imagine and I never once got involved in them. It's such a shame looking back. I have the desire but no resources.

I want to be a social activist. I care deeply about the suffering of others and I want to be someone who does something about it. Jeff and I give our money to causes that help people all over the world, but I want to do more than that. I want to get my hands dirty. Another problem that arises is that I feel totally disconnected from what is really happening in the world. I mean, how do people get accurate information about genocides in Africa, the systematic murder of babies girls in China, the needs of mothers all over the world, etc. I want to do something but I also don't have the knowledge. It's incredibly frustrating!

So here I sit with so much desire in my heart and no way to get involved. For now I will pray. Pray that God leads me to doors of opportunity to serve. I know that God will provide them I just hope I have the courage and the wisdom to see them and jump in.

I love my Savior. I want to be one who represents him well to the world. I refuse to be the typical Christian. I want to live like he did. I want to BE someone worth dying for.