My soul cries out

This is probably going to come out very random and difficult to follow but it must come out.

I am struggling with purpose right now. I am sickened by the way my culture tells me to live and I desperately want to rise above it. I want to be better, do better. I just don't know how and it's making me crazy. It's the driving question of my existence.

I'm disgusted with my country and fellow Americans. I'm appalled by our selfish consumerism. Dare I say it? I believe our constitutional right to the pursuit of happiness may be slowly killing us all. We are so self absorbed. As a whole we tend to put our personal interests above others. We think that the only thing  matters in life is our happiness and we will do anything to get it. The innocent victims of this mentality be damned!

I want new clothes and I want them cheap. So I will ignore that they were made in a sweatshop by children who are starving to death.

I love chocolate and flowers so I will ignore that our imports largely come from countries who do not practice fair trade and treat people as worth next to nothing. I will ignore the damage done to the environment in order to create these goods.

It is inconvenient for me to have a child right now so I will terminate a life I created.

I want my hair to smell lovely so I will use products that are polluting the planet and rendering our water undrinkable.

I want to lose weight because I live in a country where overindulgence is the norm, where we throw out more food than we eat and ignore that the rest of the world is starving or dying of preventable illnesses.

I know there are starving children around the entire world and even in this country but I would rather spend the mere $30 a month it takes to keep them alive on myself because well, I earned it.

I know women are treated as chattel in most of the world but it's out of sight so I ignore it.

I know children are being sold as sex slaves all over the globe but I refuse to do anything about it because it takes away from my "me" time.

I could go on.

Perhaps I am being too harsh. Perhaps I should give people the benefit of a doubt, but I can't. My spirit is crying out in agony. How can we ignore the ones so desperately in need and justify it through selfishly pursuing our own happiness?

It is the sense of entitlement that runs rampant in the US that disgusts me so. Americans walk around believing they are somehow superior to the rest of the world by virtue of the fact that they were born here. Somehow that means our lives have more value that the child starving to death in Africa, the woman being burned alive in India or the man who lost his life to genocide the world over.

It's disgusting.

I'm sick of it.

I want desperately to DO something about it, but I don't know what or how. And for that my soul is crying within me.

I refuse to be a happy American christian with 2.5 kids, a house and an SUV. I cannot be that. If that is all I have to show for my life when it is over then I have truly missed the purpose of it all.

I want to move to Africa and perform medical miracles for people. I want to move to Asia and teach children who otherwise would never have an education.  I want to move to China and spread the underground church. I want to stand up for the oppressed, feed the starving, clothe the naked, save the dying. I want to be Jesus to this world, more than anything. But HOW? God I need guidance. I need a pastor to lead me.

Life is too short to waste it on the pursuit of trivial things. All is vanity.

What if God has more in mind for our lives than our mere happiness?

Let it be said of us
While we walked among the living
Let it be said of us
By the ones we leave behind
Let it be said of us
That we lived to be a blessing for life

Let it be said of us
That we gave to reach the dying
Let it be said of us
By the fruit we leave behind
Let it be said of us
That our legacy is blessing for life

This day
You set life, you set death right before us,
This day
Every blessing and curse is a choice now
And we will choose to be a blessing for life

Let it be said of us
That our hearts belonged to Jesus
Let it be said of us
That we spoke the words of life
Let it be said of us
That our heritage is blessing for life

For your Kingdom, for our Children
For the sake of every nation

Exhaustion and potty training

It’s very early in the morning, 6:30 to be exact. And a Saturday no less. This has become typical for us now. One or both of the children is always awake between 5 and 6 so that means one or both of us is too. This morning Judah was our 5am screamer and Luke our 6 am wake up call.

It wouldn’t be so bad really, 8 hours of sleep, if we went to bed at 10. Except that we don’t. And even on nights that we do I’m waking up every few hours to nurse the baby. At best I’d guess myself to be getting 3-4 hours of uninterrupted sleep and 2-3 where I’m in and out. I’m exhausted.

I’m beginning to wonder if this is not the reason I can’t lose weight. Maybe my body thinks it’s in fight mode. I’m exercising and eating enough but I’m not losing. It’s unbelievably frustrating to run 16 miles in a week and see no movement on the scale. I’m confused and very angry that nothing is working. So much for my 15 in 3 plan. Hard to accomplish a goal like that when your whole life is working against you. It’s entirely external.

People tell me to sleep when they sleep. I have to laugh. They NEVER sleep at the same times, ever. I’m lucky to get 10 minutes of overlap between Judah taking an hour plus to fall asleep at naps and Luke only sleeping for 40 minutes at a time. Sleep when they sleep, yeah right!

I miss sleep. I miss waking up feeling refreshed, stretching out on my bed, snuggling deeper into the blankets and pillows as the light of dawn begins to break through our curtains. I miss energy that does not have to be supplemented with coffee, because yes, I NEED coffee. It is the quintessence of joy in my life. I cannot survive without it.

Potty training. We have decided it is time to potty train Judah. I spent this week entirely at home running him to the toilet every 15 minutes or so and trying to get him to pee and poop. By Thursday he had the pee part. It was wonderful! He wasn’t telling me when he had to go but he was sensing it himself and giving outward signs, even took himself a couple times.

I cannot describe adequately the joy in Judah’s face to have accomplished this task. He would leap off the toilet, run from the bathroom and say things like, “You did it! Peed on the potty! I’m a big boy like Jo-jo and dada! I’m so proud of you!” It was a delight. There is nothing, NOTHING like seeing your child grasp something and their happiness at having learned it. As a parent I think I am finally understanding why teachers love their jobs so much. I am proud of him, but it’s amazing to see him so proud of himself.

Poops are another story entirely. He just doesn’t get how to go on the toilet. Like most toddlers he still stands to poop so the idea of squatting on the toilet is entirely novel to him and a struggle. We’ve had several accidents, but I’m confident that he will get it in the next week or so. Once; he just has to do it once.

After asking the advice of many friends I decided the best way to do it would be to let Judah run around naked and ask him every 10 minutes if he needed to pee. Even if he said no, every 20 or so I put him on the toilet to try. Monday was a disaster; I was convinced that he just wasn’t ready. I put on a dvd called “Go, Potty, go!” he was very into it. As they were describing how everyone poops, Judah decided that it would be the perfect time to try… in the middle of the living room…without anything on…. I yelled “nooo! Go to the bathroom.” Judah tries to stop, makes it five feet, poops some more and so and so forth all the way to the bathroom where he sits on the toilet and announces that he’s “all done!” Poop skids all over the carpet from the living room to the bathroom. It was that moment I decided he wasn’t ready, but later my friend Julie encouraged me to keep trying reminding me that trail and error are part of learning.

Tuesday was much better and by Wednesday he pretty much had it. Tuesday I started putting him in big boy underwear because I decided I’d rather have the mess on him and in his undies than on my carpet should and accident occur. Worked like a charm. Instead of seeing the pee waterfall and thinking it was neat he felt the wet and didn’t like it. Funny of a kid raised in cloth diapers can still be uncomfortable with wetness and bowl movements so close to his skin.

When putting him on the toilet I let him sit facing toward the back, the direction he would when he learns to stand and pee. It worked much better. Originally I had him sitting on one of those toilet rings but they were clearly NOT designed with little boys in mind contrary to their advertising. He’d pee and it would go EVERYWHERE. Much better to just use the toilet. He decided about half way through the week that he’d rather sit facing forward. Perhaps because he could keep his feet on the step stool and feel more grounded? Who knows? I’m just glad he’s doing it at all.

Overnights and naps he still wakes up wet but I’m confident that will change in time. I’m not going to push the issue just yet. I had hoped to have him fully potty trained within a week but apparently that takes much longer. The average I have heard is 3.5 years of age before they stop wetting at night. Hopefully it won’t be that long for Judah.

It’s been a difficult week in many ways. Potty training with a sleep deprived parent and child is hard. Judah has decided to only take a nap on some days of the week and this is of course driving me insane. I NEED his nap time. I need it for quite focused time with Luke. I need it to clean. I need it to take a break and rejuvenate myself for the afternoon. It’s been hard for both of us when he doesn’t nap because I’m cranky and short tempered and he is fussy and exhausted by 4pm.

On top of that I haven’t been a good mommy to Luke. His needs are not met as fast as I would like, but when I have an older kid getting into things he should not or peeing on the floor I have to make the choice to ignore my crying baby for a few minutes. It’s painful for me to do it, but often necessary.

So all of this adds up to one life of frustration with moments of bliss sporadically throughout it all.

Happy New Year!

It's that time again, resolution season. The joyous time of the year when gym memberships are off the charts. I think every year since I was 13 I have resolved to lose weight and get in shape. Out of those nearly 13 years I've been successful twice. This year will be another victory!

My resolutions are as follows:
- Lose 25 pounds by the end of May
- Have more sex without making more babies (hahaha)
-Incorporate joy into my life
- Read the entire Bible

A pretty doable list right?  Hopefully I will be successful.

Hubby and I have decided to start a small group at our church. We will be meeting once a week to discuss and read the book of Romans. I'm really excited about it! Having grown up in the Messianic movement my spirit is starved for grace. Too long have I heard messages about Torah and obedience with too little focus on Jesus and the fact that he died to take away the impossible burden of the Torah. Not that we should not do it, but that there would be no condemnation in our inevitable failure.

Romans 3:23 tells us that "ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Our very best good deeds are still not enough incomparison to a perfect holy God. I've heard it compared to trying to reach the moon by jumping. I might be able to jump a little bit higher than you, but no matter how high I get on my own I'm still no where near the moon. That is why we need a savior. That is why the grace of God is so important. We are forgiven when we put our faith in Jesus as the savior of the world and suddenly it's like we have a rocket straight to the moon. The distance is no longer impossible to bridge and we are reunited with our God who loves us. It's really incredible!

Check out some amazing verses from Romans 8:
¹ Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

⁶ For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, ⁷ because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, ⁸ and those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

 ¹⁰ If Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, yet the spirit is ^[d]alive because of righteousness. ¹¹ But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies ^[e]through His Spirit who dwells in you.

¹⁴ For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.

²⁸ And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

³¹ What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? ³² He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? ³³ Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies; ³⁴ who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was ^[l]raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us.

For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹ nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
These are the truths I long for those I love to grasp. The heart of the matter is that acknowledging the truth of Christ means also acknowledging that those who die without him are destined to an eternity apart from God, hell.

Does it seem arrogant to boldly state that Jesus is the only way to God? Perhaps. But there is no middle ground in Christianity. Jesus is who he said he was (the savior of the world, God incarnate) or he was completely insane. The fruit of His spirit in my life testifies to the truth of the Bible. And how wonderful to know that I am loved beyond anything I could ever imagine regardless of what I do or do not do from here to eternity! That's the heart of the bible: God loves you so much that he sent his only son to die for you. That who so ever believes in him will never die but have everlasting life.

I cannot imagine heaven without those I love so deeply on earth. So pardon my arrogance as I continue to pray for those in my life who do not have an intimate relationship with the Savior of the world :-) It costs nothing to get, but gives everything in response.

Ah Romans, what a book of hope!