Family Expansion

My little baby boy will be one year old in 3 weeks. I cannot believe how fast this year has gone. I've learned so much and grown tremendously. I've been stretched to my limits and found I can stretch even farther. Everyday I my heart grows bigger in size. I fill maxed out on love but every morning there's more in me. Being a mommy has taught me more in one year than all my years of education, marriage and life combined. I'm so amazed by my son.

Lately I've been pondering the future again. It seems life has finally calmed down, or rather I've gained enough balance now, enough to think beyond today. Specifically about family expansion. It seems soon but realistically it takes 10 months to bake a baby and probably several before it to even conceive so I'm not a head of the game at all in thinking of it now. I don't feel as though I'm rushing into anything either (note: we are NOT trying yet).

Jeff and I both want more children. We want a fairly large family. We both love kids and the fulfillment they bring to our lives. We know many families with 4+ kids and admire then tremendously. They have so much love and joy. And even if they don't always have the material things in life, they are happy and delightful. It's such a blessing to see. For us, we would like to adopt and potentially foster kids as well as having our own. To us life is not about having stuff, it's about making a difference and living for Christ.

In the more selfish aspects of it, I would like to be done bearing kids before I'm 30. I would also like to go to nursing school eventually, though that is off the table for the time being.

The tricky part of all this is figuring out the "ideal" age gap between kids. I've heard 2 years is great, most experts say 3 years is better, most families think that what ever age gap they have is the best one. The reasons are usually anecdotal: i.e. my sis and I are 18 months apart and are super close or my brother and I are 18 months apart and hate each other... so I can't put much stock in any of it.

And even as I write this I have to laugh at myself. "Ideal" and "plans" are very funny concepts to a God-fearing woman. Ultimately it comes down to the Father's will and discerning it. I'm just not confident on something this big as I have a lot of reasons to be fearful about the outcomes.

The biggest issue we have is Jeff's busy season at work. Realistically if I want any support and help from my husband I cannot have a kid from January-mid April. He works insane hours and I would be mostly alone with a toddler and newborn. Well, that's not entirely true. I'm sure I'd have support from the people who love me, it's still a thought in my mind though.

Then there's the issue of the gap as I said before. My mom tells me that 19 months apart was brutal and to steer clear (as have most moms I've talked to) but what about 21 months apart? Or 26? Do those 5 months make a big difference? How much so? And how would I know since Judah is an individual after all. Oy vey!

Summer time pregnancy also sucked big time. I would love to avoid it if at all possible the next time around. I would love a April/May or September/October baby but the window of opportunity for that is slim and it seems silly to have preferences like that anyway. Regardless of when it does happen I would be thrilled. But this goes back to the gap issue again (21 month old Judah vs 26 month old Judah, hmmmm).

To a lesser extent there is my recurring loneliness that pops up. I love being a mommy more than anything but being the only mommy in my immediate peer group is tough and lonely at times. I have great mommy friends, but none of my super close friends are near that point yet. I don't want to base my life on other people but honestly it's difficult not to. I would love a friend to take our kids to the park with. I would love someone to talk to about all my baby stuff that wouldn't glaze over after 5 minutes. I LOVE my single/engaged/married friends soo much and most of you are great about being supportive, I'm thankful for that. It would just be nice to have someone fully in the boat too. A nice thought but again, I'm not going to stop living my life so ya'll can catch up ;-)

Bottom line is I need to quit analyzing everything and trust that God will show us when. Jeff is already itching for another baby (he LOVES being a father), so really it's me that is hesitant. Sigh. We shall see. Maybe the Lord will be gracious to me and just give me an "oops" baby. I love surprises...

Note to my BFF: Your wedding date is also a factor my dear. Like I've said I don't want to be a whale in your pictures or in labor on your day. It's too important to risk missing. Love ya! No pressure though. I'm sure it will all work out :-)