Been awhile

It's been quite a while since I last blogged. Life always seems to get in the way.

What's keeping me busy?
-I am running 5 miles 5-6 times a week. A bit longer than I'm used to and it takes more time.
-Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. Endless cleaning of my once spotless house
-My dear husband who occupies my evenings :-)
-My dear son who occupies my days
-Friends in town and parties to attend

It's a busy life!

Then there are the major life decisions to ponder. I had planned to enroll in a pre-requsite course for nursing this semester, but that didn't end up working out. I so wanted to but most schools have a deadline on how long ago you can have taken your prereqs and I'm not sure that taking classes now would be in my best interest long term. After all, I plan to SAH (stay at home) with my kids for a long time. Plus it's busy season in a week with Jeff working 60-80 hours a week. I didn't want to add to his load either. So really the timing of it all is off.

Then there is the ever present decison of when to add to our lovely little family. Right now is the time we if want our kids 2 years apart. For a long time I wanted them closer to 3, but as I think about it now I can't remember the reasons why. I feel that a 2-2.5 year window could be pretty great. I don't want Judah to grow up alone. Am I scared? Yes. Am I ready? Hopefully. Only time will tell and the bottomline is that no matter when we add to our family it's going to be difficult.

There is also the added issue of whether I truly have fertility problems or not. Having that in the back of my mind always increases pressure to try sooner rather than later. Even if I never get pregnant again I will be very happy that I have my son. Either way we want to adopt, it's just a matter of when to start that process.

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So as I was cleaning my bathroom today, a chore I detest, I started thinking about women in America. We are very strange creatures. Wanting everything, constantly stretching ourselves too thin, wanting to be taken care of yet afraid of what that means, desiring to be "pretty" yet confused as to what that would look like. We are messed up people.

I am thankful for my life. I am glad that I have a husband who can and wants to provide for our family. He empowers me as a woman and is a Godly husband and follower of Christ. He chips in around the house, changes diapers, give me massages, runs because I like to, changes the oil in our cars and is pretty much amazing in everyway. I LOVE being taken care of. I LOVE knowing that he is never going to leave me and that I am his perfect idea of a woman no matter what.

I enjoy staying at home with my son. Yes there is part of me that wants a career but I want to wait on that. I'm only going to be young once and I would rather dedicate these years to a family I love than pursuing a job. I have the rest of my life to work and only these precious moments to be with Judah. I"m so thankful that I CAN SAH with him and any future children we have.

I guess I just have a hard time understanding why we as women feel we need to do and be everything. The idea of a man acting like a man is somehow offensive to us. God forbid that a man should WANT to take care of you, treat you like a queen, adore you, etc. Our society constantly emasculates men as we seek "equality" for women but I wonder if that's not going to bite us in the ass in the future. What's wrong with being different? What's wrong with being empowered in our own unique ways? Men and women are different. You can't get around it. Trying to elminiate gender is creating an unnatural state for this world and terrible unnecessary pressure on women.

Perhaps I'm venting for my fellow moms who also work their butts off. Being a SAHM is not easy by any means,. and yet how much more for the working moms who not only have to cook, clean, and take care of kids but also spend 8 hours at a job. All that plus the guilt that goes with it. Having grown up with a single mom I have nothing but respect for the women who have no choice but to do that. But I wonder about the ones that choose to in order to maintain a certain "lifestyle." Adding unnecessary pressure and stress to their lives all so they can have a nice car and be up to their noses in debt.

I guess it's about priorities. For me, I'd rather have the smaller house, older cars and hand-me-down furniture. Having those things means I get to see my son grow up every single day. I get to be the one nurturing him. We still get to take nice vacations and have fun too. Sure I have to clean the damn bathrooms, but it's worth it to me. How many times have we been confronted with the question of "how can you afford to stay-at-home?" the answer is simple: priorities.

The things that makes life worth living are not "things" at all. At least, not to me.

I feel free in my role as a SAHM, I just hope every women gets the opportunity to feel that way in whatever path she chooses. Better a humble life that you love than a hard life that makes you miserable.

Family Expansion

My little baby boy will be one year old in 3 weeks. I cannot believe how fast this year has gone. I've learned so much and grown tremendously. I've been stretched to my limits and found I can stretch even farther. Everyday I my heart grows bigger in size. I fill maxed out on love but every morning there's more in me. Being a mommy has taught me more in one year than all my years of education, marriage and life combined. I'm so amazed by my son.

Lately I've been pondering the future again. It seems life has finally calmed down, or rather I've gained enough balance now, enough to think beyond today. Specifically about family expansion. It seems soon but realistically it takes 10 months to bake a baby and probably several before it to even conceive so I'm not a head of the game at all in thinking of it now. I don't feel as though I'm rushing into anything either (note: we are NOT trying yet).

Jeff and I both want more children. We want a fairly large family. We both love kids and the fulfillment they bring to our lives. We know many families with 4+ kids and admire then tremendously. They have so much love and joy. And even if they don't always have the material things in life, they are happy and delightful. It's such a blessing to see. For us, we would like to adopt and potentially foster kids as well as having our own. To us life is not about having stuff, it's about making a difference and living for Christ.

In the more selfish aspects of it, I would like to be done bearing kids before I'm 30. I would also like to go to nursing school eventually, though that is off the table for the time being.

The tricky part of all this is figuring out the "ideal" age gap between kids. I've heard 2 years is great, most experts say 3 years is better, most families think that what ever age gap they have is the best one. The reasons are usually anecdotal: i.e. my sis and I are 18 months apart and are super close or my brother and I are 18 months apart and hate each other... so I can't put much stock in any of it.

And even as I write this I have to laugh at myself. "Ideal" and "plans" are very funny concepts to a God-fearing woman. Ultimately it comes down to the Father's will and discerning it. I'm just not confident on something this big as I have a lot of reasons to be fearful about the outcomes.

The biggest issue we have is Jeff's busy season at work. Realistically if I want any support and help from my husband I cannot have a kid from January-mid April. He works insane hours and I would be mostly alone with a toddler and newborn. Well, that's not entirely true. I'm sure I'd have support from the people who love me, it's still a thought in my mind though.

Then there's the issue of the gap as I said before. My mom tells me that 19 months apart was brutal and to steer clear (as have most moms I've talked to) but what about 21 months apart? Or 26? Do those 5 months make a big difference? How much so? And how would I know since Judah is an individual after all. Oy vey!

Summer time pregnancy also sucked big time. I would love to avoid it if at all possible the next time around. I would love a April/May or September/October baby but the window of opportunity for that is slim and it seems silly to have preferences like that anyway. Regardless of when it does happen I would be thrilled. But this goes back to the gap issue again (21 month old Judah vs 26 month old Judah, hmmmm).

To a lesser extent there is my recurring loneliness that pops up. I love being a mommy more than anything but being the only mommy in my immediate peer group is tough and lonely at times. I have great mommy friends, but none of my super close friends are near that point yet. I don't want to base my life on other people but honestly it's difficult not to. I would love a friend to take our kids to the park with. I would love someone to talk to about all my baby stuff that wouldn't glaze over after 5 minutes. I LOVE my single/engaged/married friends soo much and most of you are great about being supportive, I'm thankful for that. It would just be nice to have someone fully in the boat too. A nice thought but again, I'm not going to stop living my life so ya'll can catch up ;-)

Bottom line is I need to quit analyzing everything and trust that God will show us when. Jeff is already itching for another baby (he LOVES being a father), so really it's me that is hesitant. Sigh. We shall see. Maybe the Lord will be gracious to me and just give me an "oops" baby. I love surprises...

Note to my BFF: Your wedding date is also a factor my dear. Like I've said I don't want to be a whale in your pictures or in labor on your day. It's too important to risk missing. Love ya! No pressure though. I'm sure it will all work out :-)