Revisited

I have decided to revist this whole blogging thing. I stopped for a while because I felt that I had nothing positive so say or contribute to the world. I'm a firm believer that what you put into the world comes back to you and I grew weary of my own attitude.

So here I am again.

I am currently recovering from a terrible sinus infection that has moved in my lungs. I have asthma and let me tell you, it's not fun to have a lung infection on top of it. I am thankful that I've had my husband, Jeff, home to take care of our baby. I cannot help but admire all the amazing moms I know that get this sick and still manage to take care of themselves in addition to a sick baby. I have yet to need to do this (thank God) and I honestly don't know how I would. I suppose that God would give me the strength I needed to get through it but it would be pretty miserable all the same. Thankfully Jeff took a sick day for me last Thursday and had Friday-the 25th off for vacation. It's not the best way to spend one's hard earned time off but I'm so glad that it worked out that way. So far the baby has managed to not get sick even though I still nurse him 5 times a day and put him to sleep 3 times.

It's hard to believe that my little boy is almost one year old. Only about another month to go and my baby will officially be a toddler. This year has gone by so quickly and honestly it makes me want to cry looking back on it. I feel as though it was such a whirlwind that I didn't take it all in as much as I would have wanted to. My induction into motherhood has not been easy but it has been extremely rewarding. There is nothing like it. Nothing like seeing your child grow and learn and knowing that you are the one making it all happen. As he becomes less dependent on me and more self reliant I feel both joy and sadness. I love my son so very much, he amazes me everyday.

This year has been a season of rapid growth for both of us. I find that I have changed as much as he has. In my on going effort to become a better "me" I've learned a lot and hopefully grown a lot too. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. My son made me better.

I'm learning some basic principles about walking in the Light recently. It seems that in order to grow Yahweh always needs to bring me back to foundations. The theme of my life has become "cease striving." I am learning to accept that there is nothing I can do to change my position before Him. I am a daughter of a good Father, seated in heavenly places before the throne. Nothing I do, whether good or bad, can ever elevate that status or remove it from me.

Becoming a parent has altered my walk with the Lord in that sense too. I never understood how an all powerful all knowing God would want me, love me and desire nothing but my heart. How can He who knows my in most thoughts and actions still be jealous over me? Then I had Judah. I know that nothing he will ever do will change my love for him. I am passionately zealous for my son. Someone hurts him and mama bear will bring out the claws. He does something good and I am overwhelmed with joy, celebrating with him. When he hurts, I physically hurt. When he doesn't understnad something I tenderly soothe him and he knows it will be ok. It is a fierce love, that of a mother for her child. I would die for him. I would give anything for him.

And that is exactly how Yahweh feels about me. It is the most incredible revelation I have ever ascertained. I've known it for many years and yet it still leaves me falling on my knees before my God and King. Some revelations take on a while new depth and meaning when life circumstances change.


LORD, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.

You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.

You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,"
Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day
Darkness and light are alike to You.

For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand
When I awake, I am still with You.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.