This is probably going to come out very random and difficult to follow but it must come out.
I am struggling with purpose right now. I am sickened by the way my culture tells me to live and I desperately want to rise above it. I want to be better, do better. I just don't know how and it's making me crazy. It's the driving question of my existence.
I'm disgusted with my country and fellow Americans. I'm appalled by our selfish consumerism. Dare I say it? I believe our constitutional right to the pursuit of happiness may be slowly killing us all. We are so self absorbed. As a whole we tend to put our personal interests above others. We think that the only thing matters in life is our happiness and we will do anything to get it. The innocent victims of this mentality be damned!
I want new clothes and I want them cheap. So I will ignore that they were made in a sweatshop by children who are starving to death.
I love chocolate and flowers so I will ignore that our imports largely come from countries who do not practice fair trade and treat people as worth next to nothing. I will ignore the damage done to the environment in order to create these goods.
It is inconvenient for me to have a child right now so I will terminate a life I created.
I want my hair to smell lovely so I will use products that are polluting the planet and rendering our water undrinkable.
I want to lose weight because I live in a country where overindulgence is the norm, where we throw out more food than we eat and ignore that the rest of the world is starving or dying of preventable illnesses.
I know there are starving children around the entire world and even in this country but I would rather spend the mere $30 a month it takes to keep them alive on myself because well, I earned it.
I know women are treated as chattel in most of the world but it's out of sight so I ignore it.
I know children are being sold as sex slaves all over the globe but I refuse to do anything about it because it takes away from my "me" time.
I could go on.
Perhaps I am being too harsh. Perhaps I should give people the benefit of a doubt, but I can't. My spirit is crying out in agony. How can we ignore the ones so desperately in need and justify it through selfishly pursuing our own happiness?
It is the sense of entitlement that runs rampant in the US that disgusts me so. Americans walk around believing they are somehow superior to the rest of the world by virtue of the fact that they were born here. Somehow that means our lives have more value that the child starving to death in Africa, the woman being burned alive in India or the man who lost his life to genocide the world over.
It's disgusting.
I'm sick of it.
I want desperately to DO something about it, but I don't know what or how. And for that my soul is crying within me.
I refuse to be a happy American christian with 2.5 kids, a house and an SUV. I cannot be that. If that is all I have to show for my life when it is over then I have truly missed the purpose of it all.
I want to move to Africa and perform medical miracles for people. I want to move to Asia and teach children who otherwise would never have an education. I want to move to China and spread the underground church. I want to stand up for the oppressed, feed the starving, clothe the naked, save the dying. I want to be Jesus to this world, more than anything. But HOW? God I need guidance. I need a pastor to lead me.
Life is too short to waste it on the pursuit of trivial things. All is vanity.
What if God has more in mind for our lives than our mere happiness?
Let it be said of us
While we walked among the living
Let it be said of us
By the ones we leave behind
Let it be said of us
That we lived to be a blessing for life
Let it be said of us
That we gave to reach the dying
Let it be said of us
By the fruit we leave behind
Let it be said of us
That our legacy is blessing for life
This day
You set life, you set death right before us,
This day
Every blessing and curse is a choice now
And we will choose to be a blessing for life
Let it be said of us
That our hearts belonged to Jesus
Let it be said of us
That we spoke the words of life
Let it be said of us
That our heritage is blessing for life
For your Kingdom, for our Children
For the sake of every nation
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Exhaustion and potty training
It’s very early in the morning, 6:30 to be exact. And a
Saturday no less. This has become typical for us now. One or both of the
children is always awake between 5 and 6 so that means one or both of us is
too. This morning Judah
It wouldn’t be so bad really, 8 hours of sleep, if we went
to bed at 10. Except that we don’t. And even on nights that we do I’m waking up
every few hours to nurse the baby. At best I’d guess myself to be getting 3-4
hours of uninterrupted sleep and 2-3 where I’m in and out. I’m exhausted.
I’m beginning to wonder if this is not the reason I can’t
lose weight. Maybe my body thinks it’s in fight mode. I’m exercising and eating
enough but I’m not losing. It’s unbelievably frustrating to run 16 miles in a
week and see no movement on the scale. I’m confused and very angry that nothing
is working. So much for my 15 in 3 plan. Hard to accomplish a goal like that
when your whole life is working against you. It’s entirely external.
People tell me to sleep when they sleep. I have to laugh.
They NEVER sleep at the same times, ever. I’m lucky to get 10 minutes of
overlap between Judah
I miss sleep. I miss waking up feeling refreshed, stretching
out on my bed, snuggling deeper into the blankets and pillows as the light of
dawn begins to break through our curtains. I miss energy that does not have to
be supplemented with coffee, because yes, I NEED coffee. It is the quintessence
of joy in my life. I cannot survive without it.
Potty training. We have decided it is time to potty train
Judah. I spent this week entirely at home running him to the toilet every 15
minutes or so and trying to get him to pee and poop. By Thursday he had the pee
part. It was wonderful! He wasn’t telling me when he had to go but he was
sensing it himself and giving outward signs, even took himself a couple times.
I cannot describe adequately the joy in Judah
Poops are another story entirely. He just doesn’t get how to
go on the toilet. Like most toddlers he still stands to poop so the idea of
squatting on the toilet is entirely novel to him and a struggle. We’ve had
several accidents, but I’m confident that he will get it in the next week or
so. Once; he just has to do it once.
After asking the advice of many friends I decided the best
way to do it would be to let Judah Judah Judah
Tuesday was much better and by Wednesday he pretty much had
it. Tuesday I started putting him in big boy underwear because I decided I’d
rather have the mess on him and in his undies than on my carpet should and
accident occur. Worked like a charm. Instead of seeing the pee waterfall and
thinking it was neat he felt the wet and didn’t like it. Funny of a kid raised
in cloth diapers can still be uncomfortable with wetness and bowl movements so
close to his skin.
When putting him on the toilet I let him sit facing toward
the back, the direction he would when he learns to stand and pee. It worked
much better. Originally I had him sitting on one of those toilet rings but they
were clearly NOT designed with little boys in mind contrary to their advertising.
He’d pee and it would go EVERYWHERE. Much better to just use the toilet. He
decided about half way through the week that he’d rather sit facing forward.
Perhaps because he could keep his feet on the step stool and feel more
grounded? Who knows? I’m just glad he’s doing it at all.
Overnights and naps he still wakes up wet but I’m confident
that will change in time. I’m not going to push the issue just yet. I had hoped
to have him fully potty trained within a week but apparently that takes much
longer. The average I have heard is 3.5 years of age before they stop wetting
at night. Hopefully it won’t be that long for Judah
It’s been a difficult week in many ways. Potty training with
a sleep deprived parent and child is hard. Judah
On top of that I haven’t been a good mommy to Luke. His
needs are not met as fast as I would like, but when I have an older kid getting
into things he should not or peeing on the floor I have to make the choice to
ignore my crying baby for a few minutes. It’s painful for me to do it, but
often necessary.
So all of this adds up to one life of frustration with
moments of bliss sporadically throughout it all.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Happy New Year!
It's that time again, resolution season. The joyous time of the year when gym memberships are off the charts. I think every year since I was 13 I have resolved to lose weight and get in shape. Out of those nearly 13 years I've been successful twice. This year will be another victory!
My resolutions are as follows:
- Lose 25 pounds by the end of May
- Have more sex without making more babies (hahaha)
-Incorporate joy into my life
- Read the entire Bible
A pretty doable list right? Hopefully I will be successful.
Hubby and I have decided to start a small group at our church. We will be meeting once a week to discuss and read the book of Romans. I'm really excited about it! Having grown up in the Messianic movement my spirit is starved for grace. Too long have I heard messages about Torah and obedience with too little focus on Jesus and the fact that he died to take away the impossible burden of the Torah. Not that we should not do it, but that there would be no condemnation in our inevitable failure.
Romans 3:23 tells us that "ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Our very best good deeds are still not enough incomparison to a perfect holy God. I've heard it compared to trying to reach the moon by jumping. I might be able to jump a little bit higher than you, but no matter how high I get on my own I'm still no where near the moon. That is why we need a savior. That is why the grace of God is so important. We are forgiven when we put our faith in Jesus as the savior of the world and suddenly it's like we have a rocket straight to the moon. The distance is no longer impossible to bridge and we are reunited with our God who loves us. It's really incredible!
Check out some amazing verses from Romans 8:
1 Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
6 For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, 7 because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, 8 and those who are in the flesh cannot please God.
10 If Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, yet the spirit is [d]alive because of righteousness. 11 But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies [e]through His Spirit who dwells in you.
14 For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.
28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? 32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? 33 Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies; 34 who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was [l]raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us.
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
These are the truths I long for those I love to grasp. The heart of the matter is that acknowledging the truth of Christ means also acknowledging that those who die without him are destined to an eternity apart from God, hell.
Does it seem arrogant to boldly state that Jesus is the only way to God? Perhaps. But there is no middle ground in Christianity. Jesus is who he said he was (the savior of the world, God incarnate) or he was completely insane. The fruit of His spirit in my life testifies to the truth of the Bible. And how wonderful to know that I am loved beyond anything I could ever imagine regardless of what I do or do not do from here to eternity! That's the heart of the bible: God loves you so much that he sent his only son to die for you. That who so ever believes in him will never die but have everlasting life.
I cannot imagine heaven without those I love so deeply on earth. So pardon my arrogance as I continue to pray for those in my life who do not have an intimate relationship with the Savior of the world :-) It costs nothing to get, but gives everything in response.
Ah Romans, what a book of hope!
My resolutions are as follows:
- Lose 25 pounds by the end of May
- Have more sex without making more babies (hahaha)
-Incorporate joy into my life
- Read the entire Bible
A pretty doable list right? Hopefully I will be successful.
Hubby and I have decided to start a small group at our church. We will be meeting once a week to discuss and read the book of Romans. I'm really excited about it! Having grown up in the Messianic movement my spirit is starved for grace. Too long have I heard messages about Torah and obedience with too little focus on Jesus and the fact that he died to take away the impossible burden of the Torah. Not that we should not do it, but that there would be no condemnation in our inevitable failure.
Romans 3:23 tells us that "ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Our very best good deeds are still not enough incomparison to a perfect holy God. I've heard it compared to trying to reach the moon by jumping. I might be able to jump a little bit higher than you, but no matter how high I get on my own I'm still no where near the moon. That is why we need a savior. That is why the grace of God is so important. We are forgiven when we put our faith in Jesus as the savior of the world and suddenly it's like we have a rocket straight to the moon. The distance is no longer impossible to bridge and we are reunited with our God who loves us. It's really incredible!
Check out some amazing verses from Romans 8:
1 Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
6 For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, 7 because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, 8 and those who are in the flesh cannot please God.
10 If Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, yet the spirit is [d]alive because of righteousness. 11 But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies [e]through His Spirit who dwells in you.
14 For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.
28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? 32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? 33 Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies; 34 who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was [l]raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us.
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
These are the truths I long for those I love to grasp. The heart of the matter is that acknowledging the truth of Christ means also acknowledging that those who die without him are destined to an eternity apart from God, hell.
Does it seem arrogant to boldly state that Jesus is the only way to God? Perhaps. But there is no middle ground in Christianity. Jesus is who he said he was (the savior of the world, God incarnate) or he was completely insane. The fruit of His spirit in my life testifies to the truth of the Bible. And how wonderful to know that I am loved beyond anything I could ever imagine regardless of what I do or do not do from here to eternity! That's the heart of the bible: God loves you so much that he sent his only son to die for you. That who so ever believes in him will never die but have everlasting life.
I cannot imagine heaven without those I love so deeply on earth. So pardon my arrogance as I continue to pray for those in my life who do not have an intimate relationship with the Savior of the world :-) It costs nothing to get, but gives everything in response.
Ah Romans, what a book of hope!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Operation Skinny Mama failure
Operation skinny mama is not going so well. After my first post regarding the plan my weight jumped up to 158.8 and I've spent the past two weeks fighting to get it back down to my "starting" weight of 156. It's very frustrating. Sigh.
I truly want to get on this. My mini goal of getting to 150 by January is certainly not happening. I'd have to drop nearly a pound a day for until them, not happening. I really need to get on it!
I have a new goal and mantra: 15 in 3. May not be possible but I want to try to lose 15 lbs by the end of March, my birthday. I really want to fit back into my normal clothes by then. That would give me another 2 months to lose the last 10lbs for my larger goal. I believe I can do it, and better yet I've got a friend with the same goal to support me through it.
Damn weather hasn't helped either. It's been so cold outside, which means our unfinished basement is freezing too. It's very hard to run on the treadmill when its like 30 degrees. I plan to get into it more again after Christmas. Everything is just too busy right now. Hopefully this weekend I can hit it again when it warms up a bit. Stupid snow.
So things are just not working according to plan. Damn cookies. I refuse to let my sugar addiction control me anymore. Time to kick some ass and take some names. Good bye fat girl, time to disappear forever!
I truly want to get on this. My mini goal of getting to 150 by January is certainly not happening. I'd have to drop nearly a pound a day for until them, not happening. I really need to get on it!
I have a new goal and mantra: 15 in 3. May not be possible but I want to try to lose 15 lbs by the end of March, my birthday. I really want to fit back into my normal clothes by then. That would give me another 2 months to lose the last 10lbs for my larger goal. I believe I can do it, and better yet I've got a friend with the same goal to support me through it.
Damn weather hasn't helped either. It's been so cold outside, which means our unfinished basement is freezing too. It's very hard to run on the treadmill when its like 30 degrees. I plan to get into it more again after Christmas. Everything is just too busy right now. Hopefully this weekend I can hit it again when it warms up a bit. Stupid snow.
So things are just not working according to plan. Damn cookies. I refuse to let my sugar addiction control me anymore. Time to kick some ass and take some names. Good bye fat girl, time to disappear forever!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Binkies, breastfeeding and quotes
Bye-bye Binkie:
Today we are going binkie free for my big boy. He is 27 months old, it's time to call it quits. We attempted this a couple months ago and it was an epic failure. I am very determined to make it work this time.
We started by losing the binkie this morning. When he asked for it I made a big production of looking for binkie. After we couldn't find it for a while I sat him down and told him binkie must have gone bye-bye. When you get to be such a big boy binkie knows you don't need it anymore and it goes bye-bye. He was sort of ok with that until I tried to put him down for nap.
He asked for it again and I reminded him that it was gone and gave him his lovies. I told him that his lovies are special because they are his forever and will never go bye-bye. He fussed for a couple mintues then went to sleep. SUCCESS!
The challenge is going to be tonight and the next couple days. With any luck he will just let it go and be done with it. More likely it will be a battle.
My back up plan is this. If I get totally desperate in a couple days I will "find" binkie. BUT I'm going to cut the end off it. I've been told by several people that this works, that they just lose interest in it. If this too fails then we are going to take a trip to Build a Bear and make a "Binkie bear" together. He will pick out his special toy and put his binkie inside it instead of a heart, that way he always has binkie but in a different form. If that fails and Judah manages to cut the binkie out of the bear (I wouldn't put it past him) then we will have a binkie fly-away party. He likes balloons, it could work... One of these has to work right?!
ETA:
A day in the life:
So the other day I took the boys on some errands. We gt to King Soopers to fill a prescription and get groceries. I checked the clock, we should have plenty of time before Luke needs to nurse. WRONG! The line for the pharmacy was super long and the lack of movement woke the wee man up. I thought perhaps if I just continued shopping he'd fall back to sleep.
So I'm wandering the store with Judah screaming for a damn cookie and Luke screaming in general. I grabbed 90% of my groceries. I had several idiots come up and tell me, "oh boy that's one upset baby! sounds like he's hungry." 1.) No shit Sherlock! How did you ever figure that one out?! 2.) What the hell do you expect me to do about it? 3.) Thank you, that is extremely unhelpful. If you hadn't noticed, I'm a mother of 2, that means I've done this before. I KNOW when my kid is hungry!
So I need to breastfeed the baby. Options: leave the groceries and take both kids to the car. Problem with that is it's 13 degrees and I already have most of the groceries and Judah is going to pitch a fit if I put him in the car, take him out again, get groceries again and then get the prescription, not going to happen. Option 2: find a place to nurse in the store. At any other store this would not be a problem. They have furniture sections, dressing rooms, etc. Easy. Kings though only does groceries. There is not one place to sit down. Option 3: women's bathroom.
So to the bathroom we went. I asked a cashier to watch my cart and took the boys in. I locked us in the handicap stall, whipped out the boob and spent the next 15 minutes feeding Luke while yelling at Judah to quit playing with the toilet and stop eating toilet paper. Oh and I was sitting on the floor, of a public bathroom, with my baby. When we got out of the stall, I put Luke on the changing table so I could wash Judah's hands. Out of one of the regular stalls comes a woman in crutches. Now I really feel like an asshole. Thankfully she's a mom too and totally understands. Still.
So we finish shopping and head home. Good times!
Now I'm just pissed off by the lack of friendliness to nursing mothers in business establishments. If breastfeeding is so "offensive" then provide me with somewhere to go so I don't have to do it in public. Next time I plan to just whip out the boob and keep shopping.
Operation Skinny Mama update:
I have managed to exercise almost everyday for the past week. Boy is my body tired and sore! On my 4th run post-partum I made it 5K! Woot woot! That is progress. So far the scale has not moved but we'll see. It may take sometime. Like I've said, I'm more focused on making milk these days, that is my priority. Though fitting into my regular jeans would be nice too.
Quotes of the week:
Judah: "Hot chocolate is yummy! Do you want some? I would like some hot chocolate please."
"She just wants me for my body." Thanks to Uncle Chocolate for that one!
"aww! Kitties are soft and cuddly. Nice kitty!" Judah snuggling a play-d'oh cat
Today we are going binkie free for my big boy. He is 27 months old, it's time to call it quits. We attempted this a couple months ago and it was an epic failure. I am very determined to make it work this time.
We started by losing the binkie this morning. When he asked for it I made a big production of looking for binkie. After we couldn't find it for a while I sat him down and told him binkie must have gone bye-bye. When you get to be such a big boy binkie knows you don't need it anymore and it goes bye-bye. He was sort of ok with that until I tried to put him down for nap.
He asked for it again and I reminded him that it was gone and gave him his lovies. I told him that his lovies are special because they are his forever and will never go bye-bye. He fussed for a couple mintues then went to sleep. SUCCESS!
The challenge is going to be tonight and the next couple days. With any luck he will just let it go and be done with it. More likely it will be a battle.
My back up plan is this. If I get totally desperate in a couple days I will "find" binkie. BUT I'm going to cut the end off it. I've been told by several people that this works, that they just lose interest in it. If this too fails then we are going to take a trip to Build a Bear and make a "Binkie bear" together. He will pick out his special toy and put his binkie inside it instead of a heart, that way he always has binkie but in a different form. If that fails and Judah manages to cut the binkie out of the bear (I wouldn't put it past him) then we will have a binkie fly-away party. He likes balloons, it could work... One of these has to work right?!
ETA:
A day in the life:
So the other day I took the boys on some errands. We gt to King Soopers to fill a prescription and get groceries. I checked the clock, we should have plenty of time before Luke needs to nurse. WRONG! The line for the pharmacy was super long and the lack of movement woke the wee man up. I thought perhaps if I just continued shopping he'd fall back to sleep.
So I'm wandering the store with Judah screaming for a damn cookie and Luke screaming in general. I grabbed 90% of my groceries. I had several idiots come up and tell me, "oh boy that's one upset baby! sounds like he's hungry." 1.) No shit Sherlock! How did you ever figure that one out?! 2.) What the hell do you expect me to do about it? 3.) Thank you, that is extremely unhelpful. If you hadn't noticed, I'm a mother of 2, that means I've done this before. I KNOW when my kid is hungry!
So I need to breastfeed the baby. Options: leave the groceries and take both kids to the car. Problem with that is it's 13 degrees and I already have most of the groceries and Judah is going to pitch a fit if I put him in the car, take him out again, get groceries again and then get the prescription, not going to happen. Option 2: find a place to nurse in the store. At any other store this would not be a problem. They have furniture sections, dressing rooms, etc. Easy. Kings though only does groceries. There is not one place to sit down. Option 3: women's bathroom.
So to the bathroom we went. I asked a cashier to watch my cart and took the boys in. I locked us in the handicap stall, whipped out the boob and spent the next 15 minutes feeding Luke while yelling at Judah to quit playing with the toilet and stop eating toilet paper. Oh and I was sitting on the floor, of a public bathroom, with my baby. When we got out of the stall, I put Luke on the changing table so I could wash Judah's hands. Out of one of the regular stalls comes a woman in crutches. Now I really feel like an asshole. Thankfully she's a mom too and totally understands. Still.
So we finish shopping and head home. Good times!
Now I'm just pissed off by the lack of friendliness to nursing mothers in business establishments. If breastfeeding is so "offensive" then provide me with somewhere to go so I don't have to do it in public. Next time I plan to just whip out the boob and keep shopping.
Operation Skinny Mama update:
I have managed to exercise almost everyday for the past week. Boy is my body tired and sore! On my 4th run post-partum I made it 5K! Woot woot! That is progress. So far the scale has not moved but we'll see. It may take sometime. Like I've said, I'm more focused on making milk these days, that is my priority. Though fitting into my regular jeans would be nice too.
Quotes of the week:
Judah: "Hot chocolate is yummy! Do you want some? I would like some hot chocolate please."
"She just wants me for my body." Thanks to Uncle Chocolate for that one!
"aww! Kitties are soft and cuddly. Nice kitty!" Judah snuggling a play-d'oh cat
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Operation Skinny Mama
I'm finally almost 6 weeks post-partum! Woot woot! For those of you that don't know that means I have the ok to start exercising finally. I'm super excited about it. My legs have been itching to run for weeks now.
I went on my first run last Tuesday. I decided to set a time goal rather than speed or distance. So Tuesday I jogged for 30 minutes. According to my crappy treadmill I ran 2.25 miles so roughly 4.5 mph pace. Jeff and I both believe it is really off. Probably by about .7mph. Point in case- at my best shape I was running on our treadmill at 6.5 mph; I went to our local gym one day and ran on theirs and found that my "normal" pace was actually around 8mph. Anyway, for the purpose of my blogging about my weightloss journey I'll just go with the readings from my crappy treadmill.
So then last night (Friday) I decided to run again. This time I went 2.6 miles. I'm super excited! It looks like I'm finally seeing the benefits of having exercised throughout my entire pregnancy, The weight may not have come off instantly, but I'm still clearly in great shape. When I first started running it took weeks to build up to continuously running that long. I can't wait to see how long it takes to get back up to 5 miles 5x a week!
Now for the plan: Operation Skinny Mama
Goal: to be 130lbs by May 2012
Current: 156lbs
Bigger goal: run the colfax 1/2 marathon in May 2012
Smaller goal: 150lbs by January
Now I'm flexible on the exact number for my goal weight. 130 would be awesome, but I'd rather be in shape and heavier than not exercising to the extent I want and thinner. We shall see!
The plan is to watch my calories but more importantly fuel my body with good foods. After all not all calories are created equal. Sugar does not fuel the body in the same way vegetables do. So I plan to eat more God made foods than man-made foods. I'm using MyFitnessPal to track my foods and calories. It's been very helpful and enlightening. Apparently I have been eating quite a bit more than I really need which is probably why I haven't seen much of a weightloss yet.
The tricky part about dieting is that I am breastfeeding Luke. I cannot really cut down the number of calories I'm eating without hurting my milk supply. The benefit of nursing is that it burns roughly 500 calories a day, but I still need to make sure I'm eating enough to produce milk. Hence the emphasis on eating RIGHT rather than eating less.
In addition to eating better I am going to continue to exercise. The plan for December is to go on a run every other day and do strength training on my off days. Strength training will consist of light weight lifting, lunges, burpees, push-ups, etc. I need to rebuild some lost muscles so I can run harder and faster. I really want to run the 1/2 in May so I've got to start training for it in January. 13 miles doesn't seem like much but it's a ton when you haven't run at all in 16 weeks.
So that's the plan! Anyone who wants to join me can look me up on MFP, username: Cyrena0825
Mostly I just want to get back to my hot, athletic self again. I like being in shape and healthy. I want my skinny jeans to fit again.
Today I bid goodbye to my beloved scones, m&m's, cookies and other sugary desserts. It's time for a new beginning. This is the only body I am ever going to have and I need to treat it right for the long run.
"No matter how slow you run, you are still lapping the person on the couch."
I went on my first run last Tuesday. I decided to set a time goal rather than speed or distance. So Tuesday I jogged for 30 minutes. According to my crappy treadmill I ran 2.25 miles so roughly 4.5 mph pace. Jeff and I both believe it is really off. Probably by about .7mph. Point in case- at my best shape I was running on our treadmill at 6.5 mph; I went to our local gym one day and ran on theirs and found that my "normal" pace was actually around 8mph. Anyway, for the purpose of my blogging about my weightloss journey I'll just go with the readings from my crappy treadmill.
So then last night (Friday) I decided to run again. This time I went 2.6 miles. I'm super excited! It looks like I'm finally seeing the benefits of having exercised throughout my entire pregnancy, The weight may not have come off instantly, but I'm still clearly in great shape. When I first started running it took weeks to build up to continuously running that long. I can't wait to see how long it takes to get back up to 5 miles 5x a week!
Now for the plan: Operation Skinny Mama
Goal: to be 130lbs by May 2012
Current: 156lbs
Bigger goal: run the colfax 1/2 marathon in May 2012
Smaller goal: 150lbs by January
Now I'm flexible on the exact number for my goal weight. 130 would be awesome, but I'd rather be in shape and heavier than not exercising to the extent I want and thinner. We shall see!
The plan is to watch my calories but more importantly fuel my body with good foods. After all not all calories are created equal. Sugar does not fuel the body in the same way vegetables do. So I plan to eat more God made foods than man-made foods. I'm using MyFitnessPal to track my foods and calories. It's been very helpful and enlightening. Apparently I have been eating quite a bit more than I really need which is probably why I haven't seen much of a weightloss yet.
The tricky part about dieting is that I am breastfeeding Luke. I cannot really cut down the number of calories I'm eating without hurting my milk supply. The benefit of nursing is that it burns roughly 500 calories a day, but I still need to make sure I'm eating enough to produce milk. Hence the emphasis on eating RIGHT rather than eating less.
In addition to eating better I am going to continue to exercise. The plan for December is to go on a run every other day and do strength training on my off days. Strength training will consist of light weight lifting, lunges, burpees, push-ups, etc. I need to rebuild some lost muscles so I can run harder and faster. I really want to run the 1/2 in May so I've got to start training for it in January. 13 miles doesn't seem like much but it's a ton when you haven't run at all in 16 weeks.
So that's the plan! Anyone who wants to join me can look me up on MFP, username: Cyrena0825
Mostly I just want to get back to my hot, athletic self again. I like being in shape and healthy. I want my skinny jeans to fit again.
Today I bid goodbye to my beloved scones, m&m's, cookies and other sugary desserts. It's time for a new beginning. This is the only body I am ever going to have and I need to treat it right for the long run.
"No matter how slow you run, you are still lapping the person on the couch."
Saturday, November 12, 2011
I feel fat and self-love
The thing I hate about having babies is the post-partum body. I can tolerate sleep deprivation, crying, poopy diapers, looking haggard, etc. but I loathe the way my body looks right now.
With both pregnancies I gained more weight that I should have. I admit it. The first time I didn't really care and just packed on the pounds. This recent one though I genuinely tried to eat well and be active. I ran 3 miles 4-6times a week until I was 30 weeks along. I ate reasonably healthy and yet managed to pack on 37 pounds. "They" say the average woman should gain 25-30 so I'm not that much above recommendations but still.
At this point I am down about 20lbs; 8 of which were my baby. So that means another 17 to go... ugh. I'm not supposed to really exercise for another 4 weeks beyond walking. I'm trying to not over eat, but even that is difficult with breastfeeding. In theory I should be able to lose while nursing but I'm also paranoid about doing anything to hurt my supply with such a tiny baby. So no dieting, no exercise.
No clothes that fit. I hate maternity jeans. My shirts are all too small to accommodate my extra large boobs (milk adds about 2.5 cup sizes), my pants are too tight. Blech.
I hate it. HATE it. I've spent too many years feeling self-conscious thanks to those nasty people growing up who told me I was fat and ugly all the time. To this day I have very little grace for myself when it comes to how my body looks and feels. I had a baby 2.5 weeks ago and the evil voices are already raking me across the coals.
I have been reading a wonderful book called Blue Like Jazz. It's fabulous. I've really enjoyed it. One of the major points I have taken away from it was from the chapter on self love. The author applied the scripture "love your neighbor as you love yourself" in an entirely new way for me. Rather than focusing on how we treat others he applied it to how we treat ourselves. Would you say the things you tell yourself to your neighbor or friend? I can honestly say I never would.
I would never call my neighbor fat. I would never expect my neighbor to have a perfect body, especially after giving birth. I would never tell my neighbor their hair looks ridiculous and makes their face look fat. I'd never tell my neighbor they look awful or nickname my neighbor Ms. Jiggles.
In this case I certainly love my neighbor more than I love myself. Really though, is it possible to love others and hate yourself? How can we give love if we cannot receive it?
The bible says that God makes beautiful things out of dust, He makes everything glorious, that He makes everything new. So what does that make me? According to my incredible Father I am precious, beautiful with infinite value. I am worth dying for. If God views me this way, who am I to question the one who made the heavens and the earth? The only opinion that matters is His.
So fat and all I am going to try to embrace myself and my body. This, like everything, is temporary. I got a beautiful baby boy out of it all. He is totally worth every mile I will have to run to get back to "normal." He makes me feel beautiful.
With both pregnancies I gained more weight that I should have. I admit it. The first time I didn't really care and just packed on the pounds. This recent one though I genuinely tried to eat well and be active. I ran 3 miles 4-6times a week until I was 30 weeks along. I ate reasonably healthy and yet managed to pack on 37 pounds. "They" say the average woman should gain 25-30 so I'm not that much above recommendations but still.
At this point I am down about 20lbs; 8 of which were my baby. So that means another 17 to go... ugh. I'm not supposed to really exercise for another 4 weeks beyond walking. I'm trying to not over eat, but even that is difficult with breastfeeding. In theory I should be able to lose while nursing but I'm also paranoid about doing anything to hurt my supply with such a tiny baby. So no dieting, no exercise.
No clothes that fit. I hate maternity jeans. My shirts are all too small to accommodate my extra large boobs (milk adds about 2.5 cup sizes), my pants are too tight. Blech.
I hate it. HATE it. I've spent too many years feeling self-conscious thanks to those nasty people growing up who told me I was fat and ugly all the time. To this day I have very little grace for myself when it comes to how my body looks and feels. I had a baby 2.5 weeks ago and the evil voices are already raking me across the coals.
I have been reading a wonderful book called Blue Like Jazz. It's fabulous. I've really enjoyed it. One of the major points I have taken away from it was from the chapter on self love. The author applied the scripture "love your neighbor as you love yourself" in an entirely new way for me. Rather than focusing on how we treat others he applied it to how we treat ourselves. Would you say the things you tell yourself to your neighbor or friend? I can honestly say I never would.
I would never call my neighbor fat. I would never expect my neighbor to have a perfect body, especially after giving birth. I would never tell my neighbor their hair looks ridiculous and makes their face look fat. I'd never tell my neighbor they look awful or nickname my neighbor Ms. Jiggles.
In this case I certainly love my neighbor more than I love myself. Really though, is it possible to love others and hate yourself? How can we give love if we cannot receive it?
The bible says that God makes beautiful things out of dust, He makes everything glorious, that He makes everything new. So what does that make me? According to my incredible Father I am precious, beautiful with infinite value. I am worth dying for. If God views me this way, who am I to question the one who made the heavens and the earth? The only opinion that matters is His.
So fat and all I am going to try to embrace myself and my body. This, like everything, is temporary. I got a beautiful baby boy out of it all. He is totally worth every mile I will have to run to get back to "normal." He makes me feel beautiful.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Back to blogging
After a break from blogging I think I'm going to give this thing a go again. I'll write more as a journal so that if no one ever reads it I have not wasted my time. It will serve as proof that I really do exist.
Life with two babies is going great. We are on week two and so far every prayer has been answered. Luke is a delightful little baby. He nurses like a champ, sleeps fairly well, barely cries and is just gorgeous. Judah is doing wonderful as a big brother. Though acting out a bit more than usual, he adores his baby and is mostly his sweet smart funny self.
I am doing awesome! So far no sign of depression, however, Jeff has been off work for the past two weeks to and has been a tremendous help to me. I'm worried about how I will handle it all come Wednesday, my first day alone with the babies. I'm confident that in a short time things will work out, I just need to take it all one day at a time. Please God give me strength, patience and joy.
I have been reading a lot recently and feeling very convicted. In two separate and very different books I have been challenged with the need to live for Jesus more actively in my life. What good is my faith if it is entire self absorbed and self serving. I want to be someone who lives for my Savior. Who ministers to the poor, takes care of windows and orphans, feeds the hungry, clothes the needy. This need is desperate in my heart. I have felt it for many years and always have the same problem.
It's the action steps that are a problem. I know what I want to do but lack the resources and knowledge to do it. I so wish I would have used what I had at CCU. They had ministries to every type of person you can imagine and I never once got involved in them. It's such a shame looking back. I have the desire but no resources.
I want to be a social activist. I care deeply about the suffering of others and I want to be someone who does something about it. Jeff and I give our money to causes that help people all over the world, but I want to do more than that. I want to get my hands dirty. Another problem that arises is that I feel totally disconnected from what is really happening in the world. I mean, how do people get accurate information about genocides in Africa, the systematic murder of babies girls in China, the needs of mothers all over the world, etc. I want to do something but I also don't have the knowledge. It's incredibly frustrating!
So here I sit with so much desire in my heart and no way to get involved. For now I will pray. Pray that God leads me to doors of opportunity to serve. I know that God will provide them I just hope I have the courage and the wisdom to see them and jump in.
I love my Savior. I want to be one who represents him well to the world. I refuse to be the typical Christian. I want to live like he did. I want to BE someone worth dying for.
Life with two babies is going great. We are on week two and so far every prayer has been answered. Luke is a delightful little baby. He nurses like a champ, sleeps fairly well, barely cries and is just gorgeous. Judah is doing wonderful as a big brother. Though acting out a bit more than usual, he adores his baby and is mostly his sweet smart funny self.
I am doing awesome! So far no sign of depression, however, Jeff has been off work for the past two weeks to and has been a tremendous help to me. I'm worried about how I will handle it all come Wednesday, my first day alone with the babies. I'm confident that in a short time things will work out, I just need to take it all one day at a time. Please God give me strength, patience and joy.
I have been reading a lot recently and feeling very convicted. In two separate and very different books I have been challenged with the need to live for Jesus more actively in my life. What good is my faith if it is entire self absorbed and self serving. I want to be someone who lives for my Savior. Who ministers to the poor, takes care of windows and orphans, feeds the hungry, clothes the needy. This need is desperate in my heart. I have felt it for many years and always have the same problem.
It's the action steps that are a problem. I know what I want to do but lack the resources and knowledge to do it. I so wish I would have used what I had at CCU. They had ministries to every type of person you can imagine and I never once got involved in them. It's such a shame looking back. I have the desire but no resources.
I want to be a social activist. I care deeply about the suffering of others and I want to be someone who does something about it. Jeff and I give our money to causes that help people all over the world, but I want to do more than that. I want to get my hands dirty. Another problem that arises is that I feel totally disconnected from what is really happening in the world. I mean, how do people get accurate information about genocides in Africa, the systematic murder of babies girls in China, the needs of mothers all over the world, etc. I want to do something but I also don't have the knowledge. It's incredibly frustrating!
So here I sit with so much desire in my heart and no way to get involved. For now I will pray. Pray that God leads me to doors of opportunity to serve. I know that God will provide them I just hope I have the courage and the wisdom to see them and jump in.
I love my Savior. I want to be one who represents him well to the world. I refuse to be the typical Christian. I want to live like he did. I want to BE someone worth dying for.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Life as it were
Howdy y'all!
It's been about a month since my last post and not a whole lot has changed. I'm still pretty dang lonely. I'm praying that God will bring me a friend or at the very least illuminate the ones I have. I've never had this kind of depression/loneliness during the summer before and I'm finding it a bit concerning. Hopefully something will change, soon.
I continue to grow as the weeks go on. I am currently 25 weeks pregnant, roughly 15 more to go. That doesn't seem like much until I remember that a semester of school was about 16 weeks. So I'm thinking of it as entering my final semester as an incubator. I'm trying to enjoy it and really soak it up since I believe this will be my last pregnancy.
Things are going well in the baby growing department. The midwives are pleased with my progress and not worried about anything. I still have the ok to run, however I think I'm seeing the end of that journey fast approaching. It's very difficult to run when you have a person bouncing on your bladder and causing minor contractions. Might have to switch to walking soon.
I've been concerned about my massive weight gain, up 17lbs so far. BUT I think I may have discovered the reason behind it. During pregnancy I add meat back into my diet for the sake of getting enough protein and iron. This meat also has more calories and fat than their veggie substitutes. I'm guessing that small change has made a BIG impact on my gain. Boo. At least I know I can get it off eventually.
I have plans to run a 1/2 marathon next May. I'm going to compete against my friend David. He's a novice runner and determined to beat me. I'm confident that he will, but don't tell him that. It's so much easier for men to get in shape and do these things. But at least I have someone willing to do it with me and great motivation to get back in shape.
I'm going to start focusing on thinking positive again. I need to get out of this funk. If I keep telling myself that no one likes me and apparently no one finds anything of value within me then eventually that will become my truth.
So. Happy thoughts... hmmm...
It's been about a month since my last post and not a whole lot has changed. I'm still pretty dang lonely. I'm praying that God will bring me a friend or at the very least illuminate the ones I have. I've never had this kind of depression/loneliness during the summer before and I'm finding it a bit concerning. Hopefully something will change, soon.
I continue to grow as the weeks go on. I am currently 25 weeks pregnant, roughly 15 more to go. That doesn't seem like much until I remember that a semester of school was about 16 weeks. So I'm thinking of it as entering my final semester as an incubator. I'm trying to enjoy it and really soak it up since I believe this will be my last pregnancy.
Things are going well in the baby growing department. The midwives are pleased with my progress and not worried about anything. I still have the ok to run, however I think I'm seeing the end of that journey fast approaching. It's very difficult to run when you have a person bouncing on your bladder and causing minor contractions. Might have to switch to walking soon.
I've been concerned about my massive weight gain, up 17lbs so far. BUT I think I may have discovered the reason behind it. During pregnancy I add meat back into my diet for the sake of getting enough protein and iron. This meat also has more calories and fat than their veggie substitutes. I'm guessing that small change has made a BIG impact on my gain. Boo. At least I know I can get it off eventually.
I have plans to run a 1/2 marathon next May. I'm going to compete against my friend David. He's a novice runner and determined to beat me. I'm confident that he will, but don't tell him that. It's so much easier for men to get in shape and do these things. But at least I have someone willing to do it with me and great motivation to get back in shape.
I'm going to start focusing on thinking positive again. I need to get out of this funk. If I keep telling myself that no one likes me and apparently no one finds anything of value within me then eventually that will become my truth.
So. Happy thoughts... hmmm...
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Is anybody out there?
Feeling pretty lonely these days.
It's amazing how motherhood gives moments of profound loneliness and yet you are never alone.
I could use a friend. Too bad they don't make want ads for that. This. Is. Sucky.
It's amazing how motherhood gives moments of profound loneliness and yet you are never alone.
I could use a friend. Too bad they don't make want ads for that. This. Is. Sucky.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
19 weeks and ultrasound
Well today I am 19 weeks along and we had our BIG ultrasound. It was so much fun for me. This pregnancy finally feels real now. There's actually a little baby in there!
We decided not to find out the gender, at least not today. I really want that "It's a _____!" moment at birth. I HOPE we have the patience to wait for it. We had the tech write it on a notecard and seal it up so if we decide we want to know we can.
I'm super excited about this baby now. I'm still scared about having two, especially since Judah still seems so little to me, but I'm more optimistic now. I think he will be a great big brother.
We still don't have names finalized yet. I had thought we settled on them, but Jeff isn't sure he loves either enough. So we are back to square one and researching more names.
I'm feeling great these days. Lots of energy. I have been able to keep up running and actually ordered a belly support belt to ensure that I will be able to for the weeks to come. I also ordered a maternity exercise shirt that I'm really excited to get too!
I am so excited about this little person! My little wiggler :-) that reminds me! I've been feeling movement for the past couple weeks. I think it started around week 15 but didn't get really consistent until 18. Now I KNOW it's baby and not bowel. Loving my new wee one!
We decided not to find out the gender, at least not today. I really want that "It's a _____!" moment at birth. I HOPE we have the patience to wait for it. We had the tech write it on a notecard and seal it up so if we decide we want to know we can.
I'm super excited about this baby now. I'm still scared about having two, especially since Judah still seems so little to me, but I'm more optimistic now. I think he will be a great big brother.
We still don't have names finalized yet. I had thought we settled on them, but Jeff isn't sure he loves either enough. So we are back to square one and researching more names.
I'm feeling great these days. Lots of energy. I have been able to keep up running and actually ordered a belly support belt to ensure that I will be able to for the weeks to come. I also ordered a maternity exercise shirt that I'm really excited to get too!
I am so excited about this little person! My little wiggler :-) that reminds me! I've been feeling movement for the past couple weeks. I think it started around week 15 but didn't get really consistent until 18. Now I KNOW it's baby and not bowel. Loving my new wee one!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Holy Sciatica Batman!
Pregnancy:
I'm 15 weeks, 4 day pregnant. Things are going great so far! Except the sciatica pain. It's not "supposed" to start until the third trimester but it has kicked in and is kicking my butt. I can barely walk without wanting to cry these days. Problem is that everything I do exacerbates it; running, yard work, carrying Judah, standing, etc. This sucks.
I'm planning to see a chiropractor as soon as I can. I have heard that they can really help with it and God knows I could use some help. It's awful to be in chronic pain and makes me very mindful of those I know who suffer in silence everyday with arthritis, MS, depression, etc.
I think I'm starting to feel the baby move now. I wasn't sure for a couple days there but I've felt the same thing the last two in a row. It's exciting and reassuring and annoying at times. Nothing like having a living being growing inside your body. It's really a miracle.
The Toddler:
We have started Love and Logic training with Judah recently. So far it has been relatively successful. It's super easy and a great approach to training up children. The best part so far has been giving him choices. He has an opinion on everything and it's a blast to see it come out. I'm constantly asking him all day: "Judah do you want milk or juice?", "Wouldyou like to slide or swing?", "Would you like me to sing ABCs or Old McDonald?", "Do you want to sit in your highchair or big boy chair for lunch?" And the amazing thing is that he answers me! He loves having control. It's so much fun!
Bread of Life:
On another totally random note, I've been reading Heaven's Wager by Ted Dekker. It's a good read and has me pondering some profound ideas. The most important one that keeps cycling through my head is this: what if God has more important things in mind for your life than just your happiness? What if happiness is not and should not be the central goal of our existence? I love it! The pursuit of happiness is in reality self-centered and does little to benefit humanity to begin with. I love the idea that happiness is a by product of something greater that God is doing.
It answers the age old question of "why do bad things happen to good people?" Simply, because God has a bigger plan in mind than that you merely be happy. Because He is trying to get your attention and refine you into something better than you are now. Pain and sorrow are designed to make us grow. It's amazing! It's like the blinders have been removed and I'm having an "oh duh!" moment. Shouldn't I have grasped this YEARS ago?
I'm 15 weeks, 4 day pregnant. Things are going great so far! Except the sciatica pain. It's not "supposed" to start until the third trimester but it has kicked in and is kicking my butt. I can barely walk without wanting to cry these days. Problem is that everything I do exacerbates it; running, yard work, carrying Judah, standing, etc. This sucks.
I'm planning to see a chiropractor as soon as I can. I have heard that they can really help with it and God knows I could use some help. It's awful to be in chronic pain and makes me very mindful of those I know who suffer in silence everyday with arthritis, MS, depression, etc.
I think I'm starting to feel the baby move now. I wasn't sure for a couple days there but I've felt the same thing the last two in a row. It's exciting and reassuring and annoying at times. Nothing like having a living being growing inside your body. It's really a miracle.
The Toddler:
We have started Love and Logic training with Judah recently. So far it has been relatively successful. It's super easy and a great approach to training up children. The best part so far has been giving him choices. He has an opinion on everything and it's a blast to see it come out. I'm constantly asking him all day: "Judah do you want milk or juice?", "Would
Bread of Life:
On another totally random note, I've been reading Heaven's Wager by Ted Dekker. It's a good read and has me pondering some profound ideas. The most important one that keeps cycling through my head is this: what if God has more important things in mind for your life than just your happiness? What if happiness is not and should not be the central goal of our existence? I love it! The pursuit of happiness is in reality self-centered and does little to benefit humanity to begin with. I love the idea that happiness is a by product of something greater that God is doing.
It answers the age old question of "why do bad things happen to good people?" Simply, because God has a bigger plan in mind than that you merely be happy. Because He is trying to get your attention and refine you into something better than you are now. Pain and sorrow are designed to make us grow. It's amazing! It's like the blinders have been removed and I'm having an "oh duh!" moment. Shouldn't I have grasped this YEARS ago?
Sunday, April 24, 2011
I wish I could see the future
Life has been interesting recently. Lots of changes and unknowns.
This past week my hubby, Jeff, quit his job and took on a new position with Urban Peak. They are an organization that helps homeless and at risk youth to have job and education opportunities. Sounds like a great company. It's better pay, better hours, a better position. Great overall. I'm so proud of him! But, there are so many unknowns as a result of this transition.
1.) Should we move? His new job will be about a 30-45 minute commute one way depending on traffic. He feels that it would be really nice to be closer to work. I feel that it would be really nice to be closer to everything as we live in the middle of nowhere. I miss my friends, family, stores, etc. We need a better school district for our kids too, that's really the number one reason to move. But finding a new place, selling this one, getting a home that meets our needs for the right amount, renting or buying, location, etc. is a LOT to think about. Plus with the new baby coming I feel like we'd need to do it sooner rather than later. Now or in 5 years kind of thing :-/
2.) Insurance change. I think I'll be ok but it is going to be a pain in the butt to switch insurance plans midpregnancy. I don't even know who to tell them to bill my monthly appointments to for May. He switches jobs half way through the month. I also don't know for sure whether my provider is still covered. I really don't want to have to switch.
3.) Renting vs buying. We've always said that renting is a waste of money. What's the point in paying for something that will never be yours? But now... it's tempting. It would save us a pretty big chunk of money (depending where we rent). We could put that toward savings, child sponsorship, our kids schooling, etc. But if we get another 15 year mortgage and pay it off quickly then we suddenly have an extra $20,000 a year to put to all that too and we have a home forever. I hate big decisions.
4.) Time off. Jeff randomly has two weeks off in between jobs in May. Totally unexpected. No idea what to do with them. I only know we both need a vacation. I need a break from the day to day life. I wish we could afford a real vacation, but it looks like we will be stay-cationing. Also, I was expecting Jeff to have a month off in October when the new baby arrives. His current company offers an 11 month option where he could take a month off unpaid. I was sort of counting on that to get me through the post-partum transition. I'm freaking out now.
5.) Our current home. So if we might move, do I bother with the plans for the house? I was going to paint and start working on the nursery, plant a garden, start xeriscaping the yard, etc. but would all that be a waste of money? I feel stuck.
On another note...
I'm having a difficult time feeling excited about this new baby. I feel like most people I have talked to keep telling me how hard it is going to be and how angry Judah will be. I feel overwhelmed and scared. Like this new one is a ticking time bomb waiting to destroy our "perfect" little life. It makes me so sad. I was incredibly happy to be pregnant and now I feel like my joy has been stolen from me. This sucks.
Judah has been a little pill. He is starting to throw more tantrums. I guess I really need to finish reading and start implementing Love and Logic. It's hard to feel like a successful parent when your house looks like a disaster, your kid is screaming, kid won't eat ANYTHING you offer, and on top of it all you look like crap because you haven't exercised in weeks, eat like crap and haven't showered in two days... oh wait... that's just me isn't it?
Sigh.
I think I need to go to bed early tonight.
This past week my hubby, Jeff, quit his job and took on a new position with Urban Peak. They are an organization that helps homeless and at risk youth to have job and education opportunities. Sounds like a great company. It's better pay, better hours, a better position. Great overall. I'm so proud of him! But, there are so many unknowns as a result of this transition.
1.) Should we move? His new job will be about a 30-45 minute commute one way depending on traffic. He feels that it would be really nice to be closer to work. I feel that it would be really nice to be closer to everything as we live in the middle of nowhere. I miss my friends, family, stores, etc. We need a better school district for our kids too, that's really the number one reason to move. But finding a new place, selling this one, getting a home that meets our needs for the right amount, renting or buying, location, etc. is a LOT to think about. Plus with the new baby coming I feel like we'd need to do it sooner rather than later. Now or in 5 years kind of thing :-/
2.) Insurance change. I think I'll be ok but it is going to be a pain in the butt to switch insurance plans midpregnancy. I don't even know who to tell them to bill my monthly appointments to for May. He switches jobs half way through the month. I also don't know for sure whether my provider is still covered. I really don't want to have to switch.
3.) Renting vs buying. We've always said that renting is a waste of money. What's the point in paying for something that will never be yours? But now... it's tempting. It would save us a pretty big chunk of money (depending where we rent). We could put that toward savings, child sponsorship, our kids schooling, etc. But if we get another 15 year mortgage and pay it off quickly then we suddenly have an extra $20,000 a year to put to all that too and we have a home forever. I hate big decisions.
4.) Time off. Jeff randomly has two weeks off in between jobs in May. Totally unexpected. No idea what to do with them. I only know we both need a vacation. I need a break from the day to day life. I wish we could afford a real vacation, but it looks like we will be stay-cationing. Also, I was expecting Jeff to have a month off in October when the new baby arrives. His current company offers an 11 month option where he could take a month off unpaid. I was sort of counting on that to get me through the post-partum transition. I'm freaking out now.
5.) Our current home. So if we might move, do I bother with the plans for the house? I was going to paint and start working on the nursery, plant a garden, start xeriscaping the yard, etc. but would all that be a waste of money? I feel stuck.
On another note...
I'm having a difficult time feeling excited about this new baby. I feel like most people I have talked to keep telling me how hard it is going to be and how angry Judah will be. I feel overwhelmed and scared. Like this new one is a ticking time bomb waiting to destroy our "perfect" little life. It makes me so sad. I was incredibly happy to be pregnant and now I feel like my joy has been stolen from me. This sucks.
Judah has been a little pill. He is starting to throw more tantrums. I guess I really need to finish reading and start implementing Love and Logic. It's hard to feel like a successful parent when your house looks like a disaster, your kid is screaming, kid won't eat ANYTHING you offer, and on top of it all you look like crap because you haven't exercised in weeks, eat like crap and haven't showered in two days... oh wait... that's just me isn't it?
Sigh.
I think I need to go to bed early tonight.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Passover, yes another religious post ;-)
Passover is Monday night and I am stoked to celebrate it. As a believer in Christ it has unbelievable significance. It is my favorite holy day and one of my top 10 reasons for grasping the roots of my faith and following Biblical holy days.
The Passover story is found in the book of Exodus. It details God's victory over tyranny and persecution to free his people from the land of sin and shame. Through miraculous works the Lord delivers the Hebrews with plagues on their captors of frogs, blood, darkness, boils, cattle disease, hail, locusts, lice, flies and even death of the first born. This all resulted in total destruction and finally the release of the people into freedom. Through the blood of the Passover lamb the Hebrews were spared the plague of death.
For the Christ-follower we see a shadow of a greater deliverance that came later. As God delivered the Heberews from the land of death, so Jesus delivers us from death itself. He became the Passover lamb, sacrificed so that we might enter into life. Covered by His blood we gain life and freedom from sin. We are no longer slaves to sin and death. the significance of this holy day must not be missed!
The Passover Seder is filled with more meaning and depth than I can attempt to go into now. If you have the opportunity to attend one, I strongly encourage you. Every year it fills me with awe and gratitude.
I look forward to Monday :-)
The Passover story is found in the book of Exodus. It details God's victory over tyranny and persecution to free his people from the land of sin and shame. Through miraculous works the Lord delivers the Hebrews with plagues on their captors of frogs, blood, darkness, boils, cattle disease, hail, locusts, lice, flies and even death of the first born. This all resulted in total destruction and finally the release of the people into freedom. Through the blood of the Passover lamb the Hebrews were spared the plague of death.
For the Christ-follower we see a shadow of a greater deliverance that came later. As God delivered the Heberews from the land of death, so Jesus delivers us from death itself. He became the Passover lamb, sacrificed so that we might enter into life. Covered by His blood we gain life and freedom from sin. We are no longer slaves to sin and death. the significance of this holy day must not be missed!
The Passover Seder is filled with more meaning and depth than I can attempt to go into now. If you have the opportunity to attend one, I strongly encourage you. Every year it fills me with awe and gratitude.
I look forward to Monday :-)
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Faith
I wish I were a person with more faith.
Even after all these years of believing and following Jesus I still find myself doubting and scared. I trust that I have salvation but the rest of it... it's difficult for me. It's hard to believe that God has good plans in mind for my life. I feel so directionless and helpless in some ways. There is so much I want to do, so many ways I want to contribute to the world and I feel so stuck and paralyzed at times.
With everything going on in the world I can't help but wonder if the end times fanatics are not in fact right. In the US we are so ignorant about what goes on in the rest of the world. We pretend that human trafficking doesn't exist, slavery is abolished, the sex trade is something Hollywood made up, everyone has food and water and people are not dying of preventable illnesses. We tell ourselves that there is nothing we can do to help these situations anyway. We live in blissful ignorance. It's so easy and convenient to. But when I open my eyes and really see the state of the world, my heart breaks and I long for the end of it all.
I long for the coming of my Savior to bring restoration to creation, peace to mankind, and an end to the brutality.
But then I remember that I am mother and I get totally freaked out about my children. I want to protect them more than anything. I cannot stand the thought of anything ever happening to them. Then I remember my family and friends who don't have the faith that I do and what that will mean when Jesus does return. I can't stand that thought either. Eternity without them is unfathomable. I think of all the people around the world who don't know, who don't believe, who suffer and my heart breaks.
Honestly sometimes I wish I had the faith to be an atheist, it would make things so much less complicated.
God give the faith to trust You, because mine is smaller than a mustard seed. Give me the strength to believe that you are good. Help me to see avenues that I can make a difference.
Even after all these years of believing and following Jesus I still find myself doubting and scared. I trust that I have salvation but the rest of it... it's difficult for me. It's hard to believe that God has good plans in mind for my life. I feel so directionless and helpless in some ways. There is so much I want to do, so many ways I want to contribute to the world and I feel so stuck and paralyzed at times.
With everything going on in the world I can't help but wonder if the end times fanatics are not in fact right. In the US we are so ignorant about what goes on in the rest of the world. We pretend that human trafficking doesn't exist, slavery is abolished, the sex trade is something Hollywood made up, everyone has food and water and people are not dying of preventable illnesses. We tell ourselves that there is nothing we can do to help these situations anyway. We live in blissful ignorance. It's so easy and convenient to. But when I open my eyes and really see the state of the world, my heart breaks and I long for the end of it all.
I long for the coming of my Savior to bring restoration to creation, peace to mankind, and an end to the brutality.
But then I remember that I am mother and I get totally freaked out about my children. I want to protect them more than anything. I cannot stand the thought of anything ever happening to them. Then I remember my family and friends who don't have the faith that I do and what that will mean when Jesus does return. I can't stand that thought either. Eternity without them is unfathomable. I think of all the people around the world who don't know, who don't believe, who suffer and my heart breaks.
Honestly sometimes I wish I had the faith to be an atheist, it would make things so much less complicated.
God give the faith to trust You, because mine is smaller than a mustard seed. Give me the strength to believe that you are good. Help me to see avenues that I can make a difference.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
mmm Lucky Charms
So this pregnancy I actually have cravings. It's weird. Last time I would just think of something then have to have it. This time I actually have cravings. The other night I sent Jeff out to get me Lucky Charms at 830 pm. I REALLY wanted them. I've been eating them non-stop ever since. Seriously, I had about 6 bowls yesterday. Healthy I know...
At my most recent midwives appointment they informed me that so far I have gained .4lbs. WOOT WOOT! I'm super happy about that. Staying on track or under is great. I would love it if I didn't gain more than 25lbs this time. So far so good... though I should probably lay of the Charms a bit.
In other news, my toddler is making me crazy. I love him to pieces but MAN has he got an attitude these days. He's climbing the furniture, dumping water all over the house and telling me no more often than not. He's great if we get out and about but if we happen to be at home all day he goes nuts. I'm looking into new parenting strategies. I've only ever really worked with easy babies so this is all new to me. I never really got the "terrible 2's" with my nanny kids. The ones that did I only saw for an hour or two at a time so it didn't matter much. I picked up Love and Logic from the library and I will start reading it soon. I've heard great things about it so I'm hoping for the best.
I tell you, I thought having a BABY was hard. Toddlers are way worse...
And so much better at the same time :-)
Random cute things my kid has done:
1.) Spilled beans on the floor then took the mini broom and dust pan to clean then up while telling me "help you!"
2.) Ate the marshmallows out of a tiny bowl of Lucky Charms leaving only the cereal
3.) Exclaims, "Airplane! Way up there!"
4.) Tells me, "Bear, love it!" about his new favorite stuffed animal
5.) Calls me and Jeff by our first names, it's hilarious
6.) Sings "Push it" by SaltnPepper the "ooo baby baby, ba-baby baybee" part
7.) Gives me kisses and bear hugs
8.) "Hi!!" To everyone he sees these days He's pretty much the best kid in my universe :-)
At my most recent midwives appointment they informed me that so far I have gained .4lbs. WOOT WOOT! I'm super happy about that. Staying on track or under is great. I would love it if I didn't gain more than 25lbs this time. So far so good... though I should probably lay of the Charms a bit.
In other news, my toddler is making me crazy. I love him to pieces but MAN has he got an attitude these days. He's climbing the furniture, dumping water all over the house and telling me no more often than not. He's great if we get out and about but if we happen to be at home all day he goes nuts. I'm looking into new parenting strategies. I've only ever really worked with easy babies so this is all new to me. I never really got the "terrible 2's" with my nanny kids. The ones that did I only saw for an hour or two at a time so it didn't matter much. I picked up Love and Logic from the library and I will start reading it soon. I've heard great things about it so I'm hoping for the best.
I tell you, I thought having a BABY was hard. Toddlers are way worse...
And so much better at the same time :-)
Random cute things my kid has done:
1.) Spilled beans on the floor then took the mini broom and dust pan to clean then up while telling me "help you!"
2.) Ate the marshmallows out of a tiny bowl of Lucky Charms leaving only the cereal
3.) Exclaims, "Airplane! Way up there!"
4.) Tells me, "Bear, love it!" about his new favorite stuffed animal
5.) Calls me and Jeff by our first names, it's hilarious
6.) Sings "Push it" by SaltnPepper the "ooo baby baby, ba-baby baybee" part
7.) Gives me kisses and bear hugs
8.) "Hi!!" To everyone he sees these days He's pretty much the best kid in my universe :-)
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Embracing my pregnant body
I did something very nice for myself today. I unpacked my fat clothes/ maternity clothes and put away things that are tight or will be in the very near future.
I recently lost a good deal of weight and I am proud of that. I've struggled with knowing that my new body is going to change yet again. I've been trying to prove to no one in particular that just because it's my second pregnancy doesn't mean I'm going to look pregnant soon.
Well you know what? I've sick of that.
I have a very short torso and there is simply no where for my growing uterus to push my organs except up and out. Yes I'm 12 weeks pregnant and showing, but who cares? I've gain .5lbs according to my midwives, the changes are not my "gaining weight," they are all baby. I'm not going to force myelf to wear clothes that make me uncomfortable to prove some ridiculous point.
I'm tired of feeling like a fat girl trying to fit into too small clothes. I am embracing my pregnant and changing body and I feel SOOO much happier about it already. Sure my clothes are a bit big now, but that's gotta be better than too small.
I recently lost a good deal of weight and I am proud of that. I've struggled with knowing that my new body is going to change yet again. I've been trying to prove to no one in particular that just because it's my second pregnancy doesn't mean I'm going to look pregnant soon.
Well you know what? I've sick of that.
I have a very short torso and there is simply no where for my growing uterus to push my organs except up and out. Yes I'm 12 weeks pregnant and showing, but who cares? I've gain .5lbs according to my midwives, the changes are not my "gaining weight," they are all baby. I'm not going to force myelf to wear clothes that make me uncomfortable to prove some ridiculous point.
I'm tired of feeling like a fat girl trying to fit into too small clothes. I am embracing my pregnant and changing body and I feel SOOO much happier about it already. Sure my clothes are a bit big now, but that's gotta be better than too small.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
10 weeks, 30 to go
Well I am 10 weeks pregnant now. I cannot wait for the second trimester to being. I'm feeling like crap most days of the week now. I'm so tired since I can't sleep well (thanks to a fast filling bladder, nausea and insomnia).
I have been trying to keep up my running as well. So far I"m successful about every-other-day with getting 4 miles down. I would love to do better but running while you feel like you may vomit or with heartburn is no treat.
I have another appointment a week from tomorrow. I think I'm going to end up taking Judah again. I'm not thrilled about it but I think we can make it work. We downloaded an app on the i-pod called "panda." It's simple a panda that changes colors when you hit the screen and says "I'm a red panda." Judah loves it!
I'm still feeling very overwhelmed with the idea of two little people in my life. I saw a mom at the park yesterday with a 3 year old and a maybe 11 month old. She was so stressed out and snappy. I so don't want to be like that :-(
I've been thinking about things that I'm going to have to do with two but I have no idea how. Like grocery shopping, gardening, going to the bathroom, etc. I am in need of some serious mentoring.
Not a whole lot going on otherwise. Just trying to keep swimming while pregnancy takes over my body.
I'm praying for strength and grace for myself. I know that Jesus loves me no matter what and that I can rest in Him. I so need Him everyday.
I have been trying to keep up my running as well. So far I"m successful about every-other-day with getting 4 miles down. I would love to do better but running while you feel like you may vomit or with heartburn is no treat.
I have another appointment a week from tomorrow. I think I'm going to end up taking Judah again. I'm not thrilled about it but I think we can make it work. We downloaded an app on the i-pod called "panda." It's simple a panda that changes colors when you hit the screen and says "I'm a red panda." Judah loves it!
I'm still feeling very overwhelmed with the idea of two little people in my life. I saw a mom at the park yesterday with a 3 year old and a maybe 11 month old. She was so stressed out and snappy. I so don't want to be like that :-(
I've been thinking about things that I'm going to have to do with two but I have no idea how. Like grocery shopping, gardening, going to the bathroom, etc. I am in need of some serious mentoring.
Not a whole lot going on otherwise. Just trying to keep swimming while pregnancy takes over my body.
I'm praying for strength and grace for myself. I know that Jesus loves me no matter what and that I can rest in Him. I so need Him everyday.
Friday, March 11, 2011
First ultrasound
Today I had my first ultrasound for this pregnancy. I was surprised that they were able to do it abdominally but also pretty happy about it. Looks like Beanie is measuring right on time (8 weeks, 3 days) and has a strong heartbeat of 176 bpm.
Ovulated with the left ovary which confirms to my that the right is truly shot. Oh well. Good old lefty seems to be working out just fine.
I had to bring Judah with me and he did pretty well overall. The appointment was about an hour and for the most part he played with an i-pod app and ate snacks. About half way through he looked at the screen and said "Kitty" and right before we left he pointed at it and said "dolphin, eee-eee)." This first impression of his new sibling. He did give me a lot of "all done"'s during the exam but he stuck it out like the champ he is.
Strangely this appointment didn't make it all that much more real to me this time. With Judah I remember crying and being overwhelmed that there was a tiny little person growing in me. This time the emotions just were not that strong. It was more of a confirmation that everything is going find and (thank GOD!) it's not twins.
I have a feeling I'm not going to fee bonded to this one as soon as I did with Judah. I'm sure once the kicks start that will help things. I'm just so busy with my baby that's already here that I'd hard to take time to imagine life with the new one. Plus I'm scared as hell about what "life with the new one" is going to be like. . .
So we have little Beanie's picture on the refrigerator just like we did with J. I'm hoping it will remind me of the life inside and help me to make better eating choices. It's so easy to pick crap when your stomach feels like junk. Comfort foods. But comfort foods have little nutrition and usually make you fat.
So far weight gain is going ok. I was hoping to make it through the first trimester without putting any on but alas... 3 lbs to date. I think it's the comfort food and I need to knock it off. Thankfully the second trimester is not that far away and usually morning sickness stops early in the 2nd.
I have kept up with running pretty well so far. this week has been much better. I plan to keep going throughout pregnancy so I need to stay on top of it. I also need to continue with my strength training. I need these muscles ripped to help with birth!
I'm very fortunate to have several "belly buddies" this go around too. A couple moms due a month ahead of me, one within a week of me and a couple about a month after me. Thank God for online mom communities! I have honestly made some wonderful friendships through them. I just wish I could meet these incredible ladies in person; some I have :-)
And now to spend sometime reading about this little Bean and what (s)he is doing this week. I'm one blessed mama.
Ovulated with the left ovary which confirms to my that the right is truly shot. Oh well. Good old lefty seems to be working out just fine.
I had to bring Judah with me and he did pretty well overall. The appointment was about an hour and for the most part he played with an i-pod app and ate snacks. About half way through he looked at the screen and said "Kitty" and right before we left he pointed at it and said "dolphin, eee-eee)." This first impression of his new sibling. He did give me a lot of "all done"'s during the exam but he stuck it out like the champ he is.
Strangely this appointment didn't make it all that much more real to me this time. With Judah I remember crying and being overwhelmed that there was a tiny little person growing in me. This time the emotions just were not that strong. It was more of a confirmation that everything is going find and (thank GOD!) it's not twins.
I have a feeling I'm not going to fee bonded to this one as soon as I did with Judah. I'm sure once the kicks start that will help things. I'm just so busy with my baby that's already here that I'd hard to take time to imagine life with the new one. Plus I'm scared as hell about what "life with the new one" is going to be like. . .
So we have little Beanie's picture on the refrigerator just like we did with J. I'm hoping it will remind me of the life inside and help me to make better eating choices. It's so easy to pick crap when your stomach feels like junk. Comfort foods. But comfort foods have little nutrition and usually make you fat.
So far weight gain is going ok. I was hoping to make it through the first trimester without putting any on but alas... 3 lbs to date. I think it's the comfort food and I need to knock it off. Thankfully the second trimester is not that far away and usually morning sickness stops early in the 2nd.
I have kept up with running pretty well so far. this week has been much better. I plan to keep going throughout pregnancy so I need to stay on top of it. I also need to continue with my strength training. I need these muscles ripped to help with birth!
I'm very fortunate to have several "belly buddies" this go around too. A couple moms due a month ahead of me, one within a week of me and a couple about a month after me. Thank God for online mom communities! I have honestly made some wonderful friendships through them. I just wish I could meet these incredible ladies in person; some I have :-)
And now to spend sometime reading about this little Bean and what (s)he is doing this week. I'm one blessed mama.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
First appointment, pregnancy symptoms and nerves
Well, I had my first appointment on Friday. I met with Amy for about 90 minutes. She asked a million questions about my previous pregnancy and health and had my blood drawn (for which I now have a bruise the size on my palm). I did not get an ultrasound but I can call the ultrasound center to schedule an optional appointment tomorrow.
The frustrating thing this time is that apparently I need to figure out what exactly my insurance covers. For example, would they cover the cost of more than one ultrasound? Screenings for birth defects? What is my co-pay? The last time with the OB they had a billing center that did all that for me. I don't have a clue where to begin and I really don't want to spend an hour on the phone with my insurance company... oh well...
I'm officially due October 19th. But I am not telling most people that. A due date is simply a guess and I do not want the millions of questions should I go "over due' about when the baby is coming. I'd rather be general about it.
I am feeling nauseous off and on most days. I haven't thrown up, but I have come close on several occasions. My food aversions and cravings are much stronger this pregnancy. I want eggs and pizza all the time and just about everything else sounds disgusting to me.
TMI!!!!
I also have the unfortunate side effect of constipation on top of bloating. It SUCKS! I NEVER have this issue normally and my body is not reacting well to it. I swear I look about 5 months pregnant instead of almost 8 weeks. None of my clothes fit and I feel gross :-(
I am having difficulty getting excited about this pregnancy. I think I am supremely overwhelmed by the pending changes. I KNOW what is coming this time and with eyes wide open I am very nervous. It seems we just got things going really well with Judah and now we are going to throw a screwdriver into our well oiled machine. I'm scared for how we will all adjust as a family.
However, this baby was intentional and wanted. I'm just nervous about it all. I'm sure once I see the little heartbeat, feel a kick or two and stop feeling like death, my enthusiasm will return.
I'm also quite certain that this will be my last pregnancy. Unless it is a boy, in which case I may consider trying once more for a girl. I always thought I would have a large family but at this point in my life I don't have that desire. I want to be able to take my kids to Europe, get them the best education possible, spend quality time with each of them individually. These things would most likely not be possible with more than 2-3 kids. I also know my limits and I'm not sure I could mentally handle more than that as well.
Of course that could just be the pregnancy misery talking. I'm a role model for why women don't want to get pregnant ;-)
The frustrating thing this time is that apparently I need to figure out what exactly my insurance covers. For example, would they cover the cost of more than one ultrasound? Screenings for birth defects? What is my co-pay? The last time with the OB they had a billing center that did all that for me. I don't have a clue where to begin and I really don't want to spend an hour on the phone with my insurance company... oh well...
I'm officially due October 19th. But I am not telling most people that. A due date is simply a guess and I do not want the millions of questions should I go "over due' about when the baby is coming. I'd rather be general about it.
I am feeling nauseous off and on most days. I haven't thrown up, but I have come close on several occasions. My food aversions and cravings are much stronger this pregnancy. I want eggs and pizza all the time and just about everything else sounds disgusting to me.
TMI!!!!
I also have the unfortunate side effect of constipation on top of bloating. It SUCKS! I NEVER have this issue normally and my body is not reacting well to it. I swear I look about 5 months pregnant instead of almost 8 weeks. None of my clothes fit and I feel gross :-(
I am having difficulty getting excited about this pregnancy. I think I am supremely overwhelmed by the pending changes. I KNOW what is coming this time and with eyes wide open I am very nervous. It seems we just got things going really well with Judah and now we are going to throw a screwdriver into our well oiled machine. I'm scared for how we will all adjust as a family.
However, this baby was intentional and wanted. I'm just nervous about it all. I'm sure once I see the little heartbeat, feel a kick or two and stop feeling like death, my enthusiasm will return.
I'm also quite certain that this will be my last pregnancy. Unless it is a boy, in which case I may consider trying once more for a girl. I always thought I would have a large family but at this point in my life I don't have that desire. I want to be able to take my kids to Europe, get them the best education possible, spend quality time with each of them individually. These things would most likely not be possible with more than 2-3 kids. I also know my limits and I'm not sure I could mentally handle more than that as well.
Of course that could just be the pregnancy misery talking. I'm a role model for why women don't want to get pregnant ;-)
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