Faith

I wish I were a person with more faith.

Even after all these years of believing and following Jesus I still find myself doubting and scared. I trust that I have salvation but the rest of it... it's difficult for me. It's hard to believe that God has good plans in mind for my life. I feel so directionless and helpless in some ways. There is so much I want to do, so many ways I want to contribute to the world and I feel so stuck and paralyzed at times.

With everything going on in the world I can't help but wonder if the end times fanatics are not in fact right. In the US we are so ignorant about what goes on in the rest of the world. We pretend that human trafficking doesn't exist, slavery is abolished, the sex trade is something Hollywood made up, everyone has food and water and people are not dying of preventable illnesses. We tell ourselves that there is nothing we can do to help these situations anyway. We live in blissful ignorance. It's so easy and convenient to. But when I open my eyes and really see the state of the world, my heart breaks and I long for the end of it all.

I long for the coming of my Savior to bring restoration to creation, peace to mankind, and an end to the brutality.

But then I remember that I am mother and I get totally freaked out about my children. I want to protect them more than anything. I cannot stand the thought of anything ever happening to them. Then I remember my family and friends who don't have the faith that I do and what that will mean when Jesus does return. I can't stand that thought either. Eternity without them is unfathomable. I think of all the people around the world who don't know, who don't believe, who suffer and my heart breaks.

Honestly sometimes I wish I had the faith to be an atheist, it would make things so much less complicated.

God give the faith to trust You, because mine is smaller than a mustard seed. Give me the strength to believe that you are good. Help me to see avenues that I can make a difference.