enlightenment

I thought to myself this morning... Am I a loser?

Then I laughed aloud when I realized that every fiber of my being screamed YES!

Been awhile

It's been quite a while since I last blogged. Life always seems to get in the way.

What's keeping me busy?
-I am running 5 miles 5-6 times a week. A bit longer than I'm used to and it takes more time.
-Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. Endless cleaning of my once spotless house
-My dear husband who occupies my evenings :-)
-My dear son who occupies my days
-Friends in town and parties to attend

It's a busy life!

Then there are the major life decisions to ponder. I had planned to enroll in a pre-requsite course for nursing this semester, but that didn't end up working out. I so wanted to but most schools have a deadline on how long ago you can have taken your prereqs and I'm not sure that taking classes now would be in my best interest long term. After all, I plan to SAH (stay at home) with my kids for a long time. Plus it's busy season in a week with Jeff working 60-80 hours a week. I didn't want to add to his load either. So really the timing of it all is off.

Then there is the ever present decison of when to add to our lovely little family. Right now is the time we if want our kids 2 years apart. For a long time I wanted them closer to 3, but as I think about it now I can't remember the reasons why. I feel that a 2-2.5 year window could be pretty great. I don't want Judah to grow up alone. Am I scared? Yes. Am I ready? Hopefully. Only time will tell and the bottomline is that no matter when we add to our family it's going to be difficult.

There is also the added issue of whether I truly have fertility problems or not. Having that in the back of my mind always increases pressure to try sooner rather than later. Even if I never get pregnant again I will be very happy that I have my son. Either way we want to adopt, it's just a matter of when to start that process.

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So as I was cleaning my bathroom today, a chore I detest, I started thinking about women in America. We are very strange creatures. Wanting everything, constantly stretching ourselves too thin, wanting to be taken care of yet afraid of what that means, desiring to be "pretty" yet confused as to what that would look like. We are messed up people.

I am thankful for my life. I am glad that I have a husband who can and wants to provide for our family. He empowers me as a woman and is a Godly husband and follower of Christ. He chips in around the house, changes diapers, give me massages, runs because I like to, changes the oil in our cars and is pretty much amazing in everyway. I LOVE being taken care of. I LOVE knowing that he is never going to leave me and that I am his perfect idea of a woman no matter what.

I enjoy staying at home with my son. Yes there is part of me that wants a career but I want to wait on that. I'm only going to be young once and I would rather dedicate these years to a family I love than pursuing a job. I have the rest of my life to work and only these precious moments to be with Judah. I"m so thankful that I CAN SAH with him and any future children we have.

I guess I just have a hard time understanding why we as women feel we need to do and be everything. The idea of a man acting like a man is somehow offensive to us. God forbid that a man should WANT to take care of you, treat you like a queen, adore you, etc. Our society constantly emasculates men as we seek "equality" for women but I wonder if that's not going to bite us in the ass in the future. What's wrong with being different? What's wrong with being empowered in our own unique ways? Men and women are different. You can't get around it. Trying to elminiate gender is creating an unnatural state for this world and terrible unnecessary pressure on women.

Perhaps I'm venting for my fellow moms who also work their butts off. Being a SAHM is not easy by any means,. and yet how much more for the working moms who not only have to cook, clean, and take care of kids but also spend 8 hours at a job. All that plus the guilt that goes with it. Having grown up with a single mom I have nothing but respect for the women who have no choice but to do that. But I wonder about the ones that choose to in order to maintain a certain "lifestyle." Adding unnecessary pressure and stress to their lives all so they can have a nice car and be up to their noses in debt.

I guess it's about priorities. For me, I'd rather have the smaller house, older cars and hand-me-down furniture. Having those things means I get to see my son grow up every single day. I get to be the one nurturing him. We still get to take nice vacations and have fun too. Sure I have to clean the damn bathrooms, but it's worth it to me. How many times have we been confronted with the question of "how can you afford to stay-at-home?" the answer is simple: priorities.

The things that makes life worth living are not "things" at all. At least, not to me.

I feel free in my role as a SAHM, I just hope every women gets the opportunity to feel that way in whatever path she chooses. Better a humble life that you love than a hard life that makes you miserable.

Uh-oh!

K

So I know I was going to write about women's right issues but that is going to have to wait. I don't have the engery to tonight.

But....

I have a cofession. Thanks to my well meaning and wonderful friend J, I am officially a Twilight addict.

:-0

I know! I know! I SWORE I wouldn't read that silly vampire series, I mean really??? A vampire romance novel? I know I was a Buffy fan back in the 6th grade but I didn't really plan to relive that.

But I gave it a shot and Oh.My.Goodness! I LOVED it! Yes, the plot is a bit silly but it was really fun and interesting to read. :-) I can't wait to get the second in the series, and I could curse her for only giving the the first book! That's just MEAN lol!

So there world. Now you have it. Cyrena is a Twilight fan :-P

Oh and I believe I bruised my sternum. It hurts like hell. I think my little guy slammed his head into it during a tantrum. It hurts to do anyting :-( Hence why I spent the day reading instead of running, playing with my hubby and baby, grocery shopping, whatever. This blows! I REALLY hope it stops hurting soon.

Night night

Global Impact

I am passionately green. I know that is taboo is some circles, but being a tree loving hippie is not a bad thing. It's not earth worship to protect the planet that God has given us, it's good stewardship.

I have been reading about deforeststation in this week's edition of The Economist www.economist.com/node/17062713 . It is heart wrenching to me. I think that having a global perspective is essential to being an actualized human being. Caring about the well being of others, the planet and our future is something we should all do.

This article got me to thinking about the little things we can all do to make a BIG difference. If we could learn to let go of some of our luxuries in life and live simply the world would be a much better place. Giving up meat for example makes a HUGE impact on everyone and everything.

Consider, if we stopped eating cows what a difference it would make! Cows need to grow to a large size in order to be slaughtered and made into edible meats for profit. To grow they need food, namely corn in the US. Though not at all their natural diet, cows are fed corn now. In order to have enough corn to feed said cows, acre upon acre of land is used for agriculture. Land that could other wise be in a natural state such as a forest or wetland. These cows give off methane, a powerful green house gas that leads to global warming (sorry folks but to say global warming is a myth is equivalent to saying water doesn't quench thirst). Raising a cow not only involves the land the animal occupies but the land that all of its food comes from, the water the animal drinks and the water the crops need to grow, fertilizers for the crops, pesticides, the antibiotics injected into the animal to make it suitable for consumption after living in it's own feces, etc. Making a cow into meat involves so called "farms" transporting the animal to a slaughter house (carbon emissions), where they are inhumanely butchered, processed and packaged for sale, all of which pollutes the environment. All for our precious beef which is in fact toxic to our health anyway.

Contrast that with eating a natural vegetarian diet. Or better yet an organic vegetarian diet. No pesticides, unnatural fertilizers, methane, fewer carbon emissions, and natural whole foods in their original state. I'd rather have that!

Reading about the devastation deforestation is causing reminds me of this. One seemingly small and distant thing that impacts millions, everyday life and every person on the planet.

It's a terrible battle between our growing population, need for food, need for jobs, and maintaining a planet that is slowly dying because of our negligence. For hundreds of years we have devastated this planet and it's only going to get worse if we don't wake up and make some changes.

I for one want to be able to tell my grandchildren that I did everything I could to help them have a beautiful home. If you need inspiration I highly suggest getting a copy of the dvd series, Planet Earth. It's extraordinary and will change how you see our planet.

My hubby and I are also passionate about kids. Did you know that for slightly over $1 a day you can feed, clothe, educated, shelter and provide for spiritual teaching to a child? It's amazing. If Americans gave up their daily coffee they could support 3 kids a month for the same money. If we gave up our cable tv 4 more kids would not starve to death or die of preventable illnesses. Our silly conveniences that take away our resources that could be put to better use. If you feel convicted in this I encourage you to check out World Vision. They are a wonderful ministry helping kids all over the world. Please take the time to think about it. The selfishness of mankind will no doubt we our downfall.

Next on the topics to come: women's rights

Yes, I am a tree hugger, hippie, cloth diapering mama, women's right activist, member of PETA, avid feminist and most importantly lover of Jesus. It really does all go together, I promise :-)

I am no accident

Hi! My name is Cyrena. You may not know me, but I'm kind of a big deal.

Today is the Day of Atonement and you know something? I'm going to observe it a bit differently this year. Last night was spent lamenting my sins and seeking forgiveness, coupled with a deep awareness of how far I still need to go. Today will be spent giving thanks and praise to God that I AM forgiven and forever written into the book of Life. Praise Yeshua! I have a thankful heart this morning.

I don't want what I have today to be short lasting. I want it to be life changing.

I'm Cyrena and I'm kind of a big deal. I was no accident! My life was divinely planned and I was born for this exact time in history. Everything in my life thus far has been preparing me and leading me to this very season of life. I am so deeply and passionately loved by the creator of the universe that my entire being and life experiences have all been his drawing me near. To Him, I'm a very big deal. I am the daughter of a good Father, the King in fact.

Quote of the day: "He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." -Jim Elliot

Want what you have

The key to happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.

Or so they say.

I'm working on it.

I am such an ill content person these days. It seems that nothing is ever good enough lately. Sure, it doesn't help that my son is teething like a bear and driving us both bonkers, we have all been sick and a number of other things, but still.

I have been given a lot of blessings and I need to acknowledge them.

Especially in this season.

This is the season of the fall festivals in the Bible. During this time we celebrate Yom Teruah (the day of blowing trumpets), Yom Kippur (the day of atonement) and Sukkot (the feast of booths). Each of these has so much meaning and depth to them that I could not possibly write enough about them. I could not attempt to explain them in fair detail here. Let it suffice to say this: during Yom Teruah we spend the day blowing trumpets as the Hebrews did in the past. The sound of the shofar was to awaken the people to battle that was coming and basically say, "it's time, get ready." During Yom Teruah we blow shofars (ram's horn) today for a similar meaning on this time it is an awakening to Yom Kippur be around the corner. In essence we are saying, "wake up! The day of atonement is on it's way! Be prepared and repent you sins, God is coming to bring judgment for the year to come and to atone for your sins."

The days in between the two are called the days of awe. These 10 days we repent of our sins, ask for forgiveness and turn back to God. It is a time of preparation. Yom Kippur is the most solemn day in the Hebrew calendar. On this day, we fast and lament our sins before God. We acknowledge our wretchedness and total dependence on Him. In Messianic circles we also give thanks to Jesus who has once and for all time saved us from our sins. It is an important day and it is believed that it is the one day of the year that God decides our next year of life: whether it will be filled with blessing or curses.

Following Yom Kippur we have Sukkot, my favorite of them all. It is a time where families build sukkahs (basically a temporary building in the back yard designed for eating in with an open roof to see the stars) and enjoy hospitality. We celebrate that God dwells with us. We celebrate a great harvest with food. In Messianic circles we celebrate the birth of Christ as well (perfect to do in a holiday about God dwelling with us). Sukkot lasts for 8 days and in those days we are commanded biblically to rejoice. It's a wonderful time.

Now that is a VERY abbreviated description of the fall holy days but it gives you the gist. This is an important season for self reflection, gratitude, and repentance. In my own reflections I have discovered that this year my greatest sin seems to be a mixture of arrogance, selfishness and lack of thanksgiving. I have not been wanting what I have and therefore I have been unhappy. Ironically as much as I already dislike the toddler phase, I have been very much acting like a toddler this year. Whining when i don't get what I want, getting angry when I don't understand something, frustrated by the fences in my life that keep me from wandering into danger, etc.

May God forgive me for not acknowledging my blessings! I really need to refocus and look at my life through heaven's eyes. I have been given so much. Though this year has very much been a season of valleys for me I am hoping and praying for better days to come. Valleys are seasons of preparation and training. I hope that I have gained enough to move forward. I so want to spend the next year rejoicing with God and my family. Wanting what I have and being content in every situation.

May you and yours be inscribed in the book of Life!

Feeling accomplished, scared, and thankful

It's the little things in life that make all the difference.

Today I visited my mom who has been having a stressful season.
Caught up with a dear friend I haven't talked to in ages.
Cleaned out my car and stroller!
Went on a run.

Not a whole lot to most people but to me it made all the difference in my little world. Doing just one small thing for myself everyday is a tremendous gift and makes all the difference in my sanity.

Today I have been pondering the fact that my dear son is now a toddler. It is inevitable that he will start pressing boundaries at every opportunity and I will have to start being more than just the loving doting mother. This is where real parenting beings.

Like any other feat in my life I have decided to start this season with massive amounts of research. I have checked out somewhere around 4 books from my library as a start. I want to give my kid the best I can and I realize that parenting "by the book" rarely works, but hey a little help can't hurt either! On a side note- I love libraries! It's like going to a bookstore where everything is free. Makes my little heart happy and I plan to renew my love of literature with a passion in the weeks to come.

I'm a bit scared of raising a toddler. Even with all my experience in childcare it's daunting. I mean, this is MY kid. If I screw him up, that's on me. It's an entirely different animal to create and establish your own set of discipline, potty training, sharing strategies, etc. than to simply enforce what another parent has already set their mind to. It's overwhelming and I honestly feel like I'm not going to do a great job :-( I hope I'm wrong.

Every bit of motherhood has pushed me to my limits and made me a stronger better person for it, I have no doubt this season will be much of the same.

On a happy note I will now continue to the entire reason I stated blogging tonight. I need to give massive praise to God!

All my life I have struggled with asthma. For as long as I can remember my inhaler has been my constant companion. I could never go anywhere without it for risk and fear that I would not be able to breathe. Anyone who has ever felt that way knows how frightening that feeling is. It's horrific and I would not wish it on anyone.

Randomly a couple weeks ago I went for a run. Usually I take my inhaler preventatively knowing that I will need it. Well, that day I forgot to. After I ran 4 miles in 40 minutes I realized that I didn't use it, and I COULD STILL BREATHE! It was shocking.

The next day I thought why not try it again? So I skipped my meds and went for it and again, I was fine! For the rest of the week I went for daily runs and did not need it once. I could BREATHE!

I have not done anything to change my dependence on my inhaler. I eat the same things I used to, I still have the same allergies, etc. So there is no major explanation for this miracle. I could say that I've: 1.) outgrown my asthma, 2.) Got in such amazing shape that my body healed itself, 3.) recovered due to my natural cleaning products and use of lavender essential oil at night or 4.) God healed me.

Of all those options I have to say that the most plausible to me is that God has given me a miraculous gift and healed my lungs. I CAN BREATHE! I know that Jesus loves me because I can breathe :-) It's incredible. Glory to the LORD on high! Thank you for restoring my body to its original design. Thank You for breaking my dependency on drugs. Thank You for this incredible gift!

Ok world, I'm off to bed. I have a sick kiddo that will need me bright and early tomorrow morning. Praying that he, my hubby and I are all well!

Ciao bebe