I wish I could see the future

Life has been interesting recently. Lots of changes and unknowns.

This past week my hubby, Jeff, quit his job and took on a new position with Urban Peak. They are an organization that helps homeless and at risk youth to have job and education opportunities. Sounds like a great company. It's better pay, better hours, a better position. Great overall. I'm so proud of him! But, there are so many unknowns as a result of this transition.

1.) Should we move? His new job will be about a 30-45 minute commute one way depending on traffic. He feels that it would be really nice to be closer to work. I feel that it would be really nice to be closer to everything as we live in the middle of nowhere. I miss my friends, family, stores, etc. We need a better school district for our kids too, that's really the number one reason to move. But finding a new place, selling this one, getting a home that meets our needs for the right amount, renting or buying, location, etc. is a LOT to think about. Plus with the new baby coming I feel like we'd need to do it sooner rather than later. Now or in 5 years kind of thing :-/

2.) Insurance change. I think I'll be ok but it is going to be a pain in the butt to switch insurance plans midpregnancy. I don't even know who to tell them to bill my monthly appointments to for May. He switches jobs half way through the month. I also don't know for sure whether my provider is still covered. I really don't want to have to switch.

3.) Renting vs buying. We've always said that renting is a waste of money. What's the point in paying for something that will never be yours? But now... it's tempting. It would save us a pretty big chunk of money (depending where we rent). We could put that toward savings, child sponsorship, our kids schooling, etc. But if we get another 15 year mortgage and pay it off quickly then we suddenly have an extra $20,000 a year to put to all that too and we have a home forever. I hate big decisions.

4.) Time off. Jeff randomly has two weeks off in between jobs in May. Totally unexpected. No idea what to do with them. I only know we both need a vacation. I need a break from the day to day life. I wish we could afford a real vacation, but it looks like we will be stay-cationing. Also, I was expecting Jeff to have a month off in October when the new baby arrives. His current company offers an 11 month option where he could take a month off unpaid. I was sort of counting on that to get me through the post-partum transition. I'm freaking out now.

5.) Our current home. So if we might move, do I bother with the plans for the house? I was going to paint and start working on the nursery, plant a garden, start xeriscaping the yard, etc. but would all that be a waste of money? I feel stuck.

On another note...

I'm having a difficult time feeling excited about this new baby. I feel like most people I have talked to keep telling me how hard it is going to be and how angry Judah will be. I feel overwhelmed and scared. Like this new one is a ticking time bomb waiting to destroy our "perfect" little life. It makes me so sad. I was incredibly happy to be pregnant and now I feel like my joy has been stolen from me. This sucks.

Judah has been a little pill. He is starting to throw more tantrums. I guess I really need to finish reading and start implementing Love and Logic. It's hard to feel like a successful parent when your house looks like a disaster, your kid is screaming, kid won't eat ANYTHING you offer, and on top of it all you look like crap because you haven't exercised in weeks, eat like crap and haven't showered in two days... oh wait... that's just me isn't it?

Sigh.

I think I need to go to bed early tonight.