Life as it were

Howdy y'all!

It's been about a month since my last post and not a whole lot has changed. I'm still pretty dang lonely. I'm praying that God will bring me a friend or at the very least illuminate the ones I have. I've never had this kind of depression/loneliness during the summer before and I'm finding it a bit concerning. Hopefully something will change, soon.

I continue to grow as the weeks go on. I am currently 25 weeks pregnant, roughly 15 more to go. That doesn't seem like much until I remember that a semester of school was about 16 weeks. So I'm thinking of it as entering my final semester as an incubator. I'm trying to enjoy it and really soak it up since I believe this will be my last pregnancy.

Things are going well in the baby growing department. The midwives are pleased with my progress and not worried about anything. I still have the ok to run, however I think I'm seeing the end of that journey fast approaching. It's very difficult to run when you have a person bouncing on your bladder and causing minor contractions. Might have to switch to walking soon.

I've been concerned about my massive weight gain, up 17lbs so far. BUT I think I may have discovered the reason behind it. During pregnancy I add meat back into my diet for the sake of getting enough protein and iron. This meat also has more calories and fat than their veggie substitutes. I'm guessing that small change has made a BIG impact on my gain. Boo. At least I know I can get it off eventually.

I have plans to run a 1/2 marathon next May. I'm going to compete against my friend David. He's a novice runner and determined to beat me. I'm confident that he will, but don't tell him that. It's so much easier for men to get in shape and do these things. But at least I have someone willing to do it with me and great motivation to get back in shape.

I'm going to start focusing on thinking positive again. I need to get out of this funk. If I keep telling myself that no one likes me and apparently no one finds anything of value within me then eventually that will become my truth.

So. Happy thoughts... hmmm...

Is anybody out there?

Feeling pretty lonely these days.

It's amazing how motherhood gives moments of profound loneliness and yet you are never alone.

I could use a friend. Too bad they don't make want ads for that. This. Is. Sucky.

19 weeks and ultrasound

Well today I am 19 weeks along and we had our BIG ultrasound. It was so much fun for me. This pregnancy finally feels real now. There's actually a little baby in there!
We decided not to find out the gender, at least not today. I really want that "It's a _____!" moment at birth. I HOPE we have the patience to wait for it. We had the tech write it on a notecard and seal it up so if we decide we want to know we can.
I'm super excited about this baby now. I'm still scared about having two, especially since Judah still seems so little to me, but I'm more optimistic now. I think he will be a great big brother.
We still don't have names finalized yet. I had thought we settled on them, but Jeff isn't sure he loves either enough. So we are back to square one and researching more names.

I'm feeling great these days. Lots of energy. I have been able to keep up running and actually ordered a belly support belt to ensure that I will be able to for the weeks to come. I also ordered a maternity exercise shirt that I'm really excited to get too!

I am so excited about this little person! My little wiggler :-) that reminds me! I've been feeling movement for the past couple weeks. I think it started around week 15 but didn't get really consistent until 18. Now I KNOW it's baby and not bowel. Loving my new wee one!

Holy Sciatica Batman!

Pregnancy:
I'm 15 weeks, 4 day pregnant. Things are going great so far! Except the sciatica pain. It's not "supposed" to start until the third trimester but it has kicked in and is kicking my butt. I can barely walk without wanting to cry these days. Problem is that everything I do exacerbates it; running, yard work, carrying Judah, standing, etc. This sucks.

I'm planning to see a chiropractor as soon as I can. I have heard that they can really help with it and God knows I could use some help. It's awful to be in chronic pain and makes me very mindful of those I know who suffer in silence everyday with arthritis, MS, depression, etc.

I think I'm starting to feel the baby move now. I wasn't sure for a couple days there but I've felt the same thing the last two in a row. It's exciting and reassuring and annoying at times. Nothing like having a living being growing inside your body. It's really a miracle.

The Toddler:
We have started Love and Logic training with Judah recently. So far it has been relatively successful. It's super easy and a great approach to training up children. The best part so far has been giving him choices. He has an opinion on everything and it's a blast to see it come out. I'm constantly asking him all day: "Judah do you want milk or juice?", "Would you like to slide or swing?", "Would you like me to sing ABCs or Old McDonald?", "Do you want to sit in your highchair or big boy chair for lunch?" And the amazing thing is that he answers me! He loves having control. It's so much fun!

Bread of Life:
On another totally random note, I've been reading Heaven's Wager by Ted Dekker. It's a good read and has me pondering some profound ideas. The most important one that keeps cycling through my head is this: what if God has more important things in mind for your life than just your happiness? What if happiness is not and should not be the central goal of our existence? I love it! The pursuit of happiness is in reality self-centered and does little to benefit humanity to begin with. I love the idea that happiness is a by product of something greater that God is doing.

It answers the age old question of "why do bad things happen to good people?" Simply, because God has a bigger plan in mind than that you merely be happy. Because He is trying to get your attention and refine you into something better than you are now. Pain and sorrow are designed to make us grow. It's amazing! It's like the blinders have been removed and I'm having an "oh duh!" moment. Shouldn't I have grasped this YEARS ago?

I wish I could see the future

Life has been interesting recently. Lots of changes and unknowns.

This past week my hubby, Jeff, quit his job and took on a new position with Urban Peak. They are an organization that helps homeless and at risk youth to have job and education opportunities. Sounds like a great company. It's better pay, better hours, a better position. Great overall. I'm so proud of him! But, there are so many unknowns as a result of this transition.

1.) Should we move? His new job will be about a 30-45 minute commute one way depending on traffic. He feels that it would be really nice to be closer to work. I feel that it would be really nice to be closer to everything as we live in the middle of nowhere. I miss my friends, family, stores, etc. We need a better school district for our kids too, that's really the number one reason to move. But finding a new place, selling this one, getting a home that meets our needs for the right amount, renting or buying, location, etc. is a LOT to think about. Plus with the new baby coming I feel like we'd need to do it sooner rather than later. Now or in 5 years kind of thing :-/

2.) Insurance change. I think I'll be ok but it is going to be a pain in the butt to switch insurance plans midpregnancy. I don't even know who to tell them to bill my monthly appointments to for May. He switches jobs half way through the month. I also don't know for sure whether my provider is still covered. I really don't want to have to switch.

3.) Renting vs buying. We've always said that renting is a waste of money. What's the point in paying for something that will never be yours? But now... it's tempting. It would save us a pretty big chunk of money (depending where we rent). We could put that toward savings, child sponsorship, our kids schooling, etc. But if we get another 15 year mortgage and pay it off quickly then we suddenly have an extra $20,000 a year to put to all that too and we have a home forever. I hate big decisions.

4.) Time off. Jeff randomly has two weeks off in between jobs in May. Totally unexpected. No idea what to do with them. I only know we both need a vacation. I need a break from the day to day life. I wish we could afford a real vacation, but it looks like we will be stay-cationing. Also, I was expecting Jeff to have a month off in October when the new baby arrives. His current company offers an 11 month option where he could take a month off unpaid. I was sort of counting on that to get me through the post-partum transition. I'm freaking out now.

5.) Our current home. So if we might move, do I bother with the plans for the house? I was going to paint and start working on the nursery, plant a garden, start xeriscaping the yard, etc. but would all that be a waste of money? I feel stuck.

On another note...

I'm having a difficult time feeling excited about this new baby. I feel like most people I have talked to keep telling me how hard it is going to be and how angry Judah will be. I feel overwhelmed and scared. Like this new one is a ticking time bomb waiting to destroy our "perfect" little life. It makes me so sad. I was incredibly happy to be pregnant and now I feel like my joy has been stolen from me. This sucks.

Judah has been a little pill. He is starting to throw more tantrums. I guess I really need to finish reading and start implementing Love and Logic. It's hard to feel like a successful parent when your house looks like a disaster, your kid is screaming, kid won't eat ANYTHING you offer, and on top of it all you look like crap because you haven't exercised in weeks, eat like crap and haven't showered in two days... oh wait... that's just me isn't it?

Sigh.

I think I need to go to bed early tonight.

Passover, yes another religious post ;-)

Passover is Monday night and I am stoked to celebrate it. As a believer in Christ it has unbelievable significance. It is my favorite holy day and one of my top 10 reasons for grasping the roots of my faith and following Biblical holy days.

The Passover story is found in the book of Exodus. It details God's victory over tyranny and persecution to free his people from the land of sin and shame. Through miraculous works the Lord delivers the Hebrews with plagues on their captors of frogs, blood, darkness, boils, cattle disease, hail, locusts, lice, flies and even death of the first born. This all resulted in total destruction and finally the release of the people into freedom. Through the blood of the Passover lamb the Hebrews were spared the plague of death.

For the Christ-follower we see a shadow of a greater deliverance that came later. As God delivered the Heberews from the land of death, so Jesus delivers us from death itself. He became the Passover lamb, sacrificed so that we might enter into life. Covered by His blood we gain life and freedom from sin. We are no longer slaves to sin and death. the significance of this holy day must not be missed!

The Passover Seder is filled with more meaning and depth than I can attempt to go into now. If you have the opportunity to attend one, I strongly encourage you. Every year it fills me with awe and gratitude.

I look forward to Monday :-)

Faith

I wish I were a person with more faith.

Even after all these years of believing and following Jesus I still find myself doubting and scared. I trust that I have salvation but the rest of it... it's difficult for me. It's hard to believe that God has good plans in mind for my life. I feel so directionless and helpless in some ways. There is so much I want to do, so many ways I want to contribute to the world and I feel so stuck and paralyzed at times.

With everything going on in the world I can't help but wonder if the end times fanatics are not in fact right. In the US we are so ignorant about what goes on in the rest of the world. We pretend that human trafficking doesn't exist, slavery is abolished, the sex trade is something Hollywood made up, everyone has food and water and people are not dying of preventable illnesses. We tell ourselves that there is nothing we can do to help these situations anyway. We live in blissful ignorance. It's so easy and convenient to. But when I open my eyes and really see the state of the world, my heart breaks and I long for the end of it all.

I long for the coming of my Savior to bring restoration to creation, peace to mankind, and an end to the brutality.

But then I remember that I am mother and I get totally freaked out about my children. I want to protect them more than anything. I cannot stand the thought of anything ever happening to them. Then I remember my family and friends who don't have the faith that I do and what that will mean when Jesus does return. I can't stand that thought either. Eternity without them is unfathomable. I think of all the people around the world who don't know, who don't believe, who suffer and my heart breaks.

Honestly sometimes I wish I had the faith to be an atheist, it would make things so much less complicated.

God give the faith to trust You, because mine is smaller than a mustard seed. Give me the strength to believe that you are good. Help me to see avenues that I can make a difference.