Forgiveness

I'm not perfect. I have never pretended to be. I've never hidden myself or tried to be anything I'm not. I wear my life on my sleeve.

Some people though are bothered by me and my perceived "holier than thou" attitude. Apparently my own personal search for righteousness is somehow an affront to them. It's as though being confronted with Christ in me breeds anger and animosity at my presence. I've never tried to pretend to be better than anyone, I know I'm not.

The only good within me comes from Christ who resides in me. He has taken this worthless, pathetic person and made me new. I thank God for His amazing grace because I would truly be nothing without it.

But Christians are hypocritical. You know something? Every person on the planet is to some degree. No one can live up to their own standards let alone God's standards all the time. We live in a fallen world consumed by sin and even Christians who have accepted God's free and amazing gift of grace mess up sometimes. The only difference between us is that I know I can fall on my face before my Savior and be forgiven time and time again.

Jesus in a parable to his disciples explained that we are to forgive people who offend or hurt us 70X7 times. This is not a literal number but instead a large number to show that as many times as we are hurt we are to forgive. This is a big task. Then he goes on to say that the measure to which we forgive others shall be forgiven us. A scary thought for those of us who struggle with forgiveness. I want to be fully forgiven and yet have difficulty giving that to others.

I'm only 24 years old and the majority of my life I have been abused by one or more people who are supposed to love me. For years I have suffered neglect, cruel words, and even raw hatred from these people, one in particular. It is just in the last couple years that I finally came to realize that what I suffered was in fact abuse. Though it rarely got physical, I was torn apart on the inside.

I am a walking broken person. Most people would never guess it. I seem pretty put together from the outside. I have a nice home, beautiful family, education, travelled the world, etc. And yet for as long as I can remember I have hated myself. I have hated the way I look, act, talk, sing. I hated myself for being smart and for being dumb. I hated myself for just being me, because I was told for years that I have no value and I believed it.

But hatred of oneself is a sin. How can I hate what God has declared good? How can I hate what He has redeemed? How can I hate His very bride? I am a daughter of a good Father. I am seated in heavenly places before the throne of God. I have value because He created it in me. Yet the voices of death persist in my head; at least until recently.

Forgiveness is no easy task. How can one even begin to forgive someone who hurt you so badly? How can you keep forgiving them when they continue to hurt you? How can you forgive them when they start hurting the ones you love? Where does forgiveness begin when your heart is ice cold toward that person? I am desperate for an answer to this.

I can rationalize all day long. I can say "I forgive you", but my heart speaks otherwise. I don't know how to let it go. I don't know how to forgive over and over and not continue to be hurt over and over. How can you forgive and be reconciled to someone who hates you without cause?

Dear God, I so need an answer to this. I know I must do it, because that is exactly what my heavenly Father does. I constantly mess up. I constantly neglect Him, spit abusive words when I don't get my way, throw tantrums like a child, etc. I constantly fall short and yet He continually forgives me. Please Jesus teach me how to love like you do. Teach me how to love those who are exactly like me. And Please Lord, take away the pain, hurt and anger.

Thank You God, for your grace. Thank you that you are teaching me even now. Help me Jesus to forgive fully over and over.

Excited!

I am so excited I can barely contain myself!

Just found out that another set of our close friends is expecting a baby!! We are so totally thrilled for them :-)

So that means next year so far I have three pregnant friends, and 4 engaged couples getting married! It's going to be an exciting and busy year. Obviously an expensive one too, but for well deserving reasons.

This is such an amazing fun season of life. So full of hope, promise and the unknown. It's incredible to see my friends fall in love and starting families. I have been a little a head of the pack in regard to marriage and babies and it seems that people are finally catching up. I'm thrilled for them and happy myself knowing that my own journey won't be so lonely any more.

I have the esteemed honor of being my best friend's matron of honor! I have no words to describe how I feel about that. It's amazing to know that I have a friend who considers me that important in her life (the feeling is mutual of course!). I feel so blessed. God has truly given me an incredible friend and I am so thankful for her every single day! Plus her fiance happens to be a great friend too so that's just the bees knees people!

To me, marriage and family are the most important things in life. Having someone to share and acknowledge your everyday is amazing. Jeff is the greatest gift God has ever given me (aside from salvation alone). I love being married! I love the comfort, security, joy, surprises, everything about it! And kids, well they just add to it. It's amazing to see a little person running around that looks just like us. I find myself in awe of my son. I constantly look at him and think: I made that?? God gave him to ME? wow!! There is nothing in life as sweet as family.

So I am thrilled that many of my friends are on their way to starting their own little families. I can't wait to see their cups overflow with the same joy that I get to experience everyday :-)

Revisited

I have decided to revist this whole blogging thing. I stopped for a while because I felt that I had nothing positive so say or contribute to the world. I'm a firm believer that what you put into the world comes back to you and I grew weary of my own attitude.

So here I am again.

I am currently recovering from a terrible sinus infection that has moved in my lungs. I have asthma and let me tell you, it's not fun to have a lung infection on top of it. I am thankful that I've had my husband, Jeff, home to take care of our baby. I cannot help but admire all the amazing moms I know that get this sick and still manage to take care of themselves in addition to a sick baby. I have yet to need to do this (thank God) and I honestly don't know how I would. I suppose that God would give me the strength I needed to get through it but it would be pretty miserable all the same. Thankfully Jeff took a sick day for me last Thursday and had Friday-the 25th off for vacation. It's not the best way to spend one's hard earned time off but I'm so glad that it worked out that way. So far the baby has managed to not get sick even though I still nurse him 5 times a day and put him to sleep 3 times.

It's hard to believe that my little boy is almost one year old. Only about another month to go and my baby will officially be a toddler. This year has gone by so quickly and honestly it makes me want to cry looking back on it. I feel as though it was such a whirlwind that I didn't take it all in as much as I would have wanted to. My induction into motherhood has not been easy but it has been extremely rewarding. There is nothing like it. Nothing like seeing your child grow and learn and knowing that you are the one making it all happen. As he becomes less dependent on me and more self reliant I feel both joy and sadness. I love my son so very much, he amazes me everyday.

This year has been a season of rapid growth for both of us. I find that I have changed as much as he has. In my on going effort to become a better "me" I've learned a lot and hopefully grown a lot too. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. My son made me better.

I'm learning some basic principles about walking in the Light recently. It seems that in order to grow Yahweh always needs to bring me back to foundations. The theme of my life has become "cease striving." I am learning to accept that there is nothing I can do to change my position before Him. I am a daughter of a good Father, seated in heavenly places before the throne. Nothing I do, whether good or bad, can ever elevate that status or remove it from me.

Becoming a parent has altered my walk with the Lord in that sense too. I never understood how an all powerful all knowing God would want me, love me and desire nothing but my heart. How can He who knows my in most thoughts and actions still be jealous over me? Then I had Judah. I know that nothing he will ever do will change my love for him. I am passionately zealous for my son. Someone hurts him and mama bear will bring out the claws. He does something good and I am overwhelmed with joy, celebrating with him. When he hurts, I physically hurt. When he doesn't understnad something I tenderly soothe him and he knows it will be ok. It is a fierce love, that of a mother for her child. I would die for him. I would give anything for him.

And that is exactly how Yahweh feels about me. It is the most incredible revelation I have ever ascertained. I've known it for many years and yet it still leaves me falling on my knees before my God and King. Some revelations take on a while new depth and meaning when life circumstances change.


LORD, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.

You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.

You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,"
Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day
Darkness and light are alike to You.

For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand
When I awake, I am still with You.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.